Notice to all employees of United Holiday Festivities
Amalgamated (UHFA) at Amalgamated North Pole Village:
We here at UHFA regret to inform you that as of today
at 4:00 p.m. December 24, your employment will be terminated. At the end of
today’s shift—or X-mass funday as we like to call it—you will be escorted by
security to the changing area. There you will receive your final pay with any
deductions resulting from improper upkeep of costumes.
We hope that this holiday season has been rewarding
for you, and never forget that although you earn minimum wage, you cannot put a
price tag on the joy you have instilled in the hearts of the countless children
who visited Amalgamated North Pole Village this year (To be precise it was
12,325 children at $12 a head not including merchandise sales and
refreshments.)
Although we take no responsibility, we do regret, how
shall we say, the overzealous approach our security staff took in the recent
unionization efforts of a few bad apples among our holiday associates. As the
security detail is a private concern outside the control of UHFA, we had no way
of knowing they would use live ammunition to disperse off-duty elves passing
out leaflets. That was a bad day for UHFA, as you can imagine what the effect
of a hail of assault rifle fire has on a business dealing mostly with children
and the feeble minded. All of the poinsettas that aren’t already dead will be
donated to the families of the deceased.
A tragic event. But still, we don’t think there was
any need for a union and after spilling a very limited amount of blood we are
once again one big happy family--minus the casualties. That is until today’s
layoffs in which case we will all go our separate ways.
As you are clearing your lockers of personal items and
empty liquor bottles, try to reflect on all of the good you have done for the
community instead of taking the selfish route and worrying about how you will
feed your families. Think of the joy of waking up on X-mass morning without
having to worry about going to work. Priceless.
Have a Happy Holiday.
P.S. We will be requiring the employment of many of
you from the elf department to work as leprechauns for our Saint Patrick’s Day
exhibit.
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