Important Notice

Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.


Tuesday, December 10, 2002

Merry X-Mas, You're Fired!

Notice to all employees of United Holiday Festivities Amalgamated (UHFA) at Amalgamated North Pole Village:

We here at UHFA regret to inform you that as of today at 4:00 p.m. December 24, your employment will be terminated. At the end of today’s shift—or X-mass funday as we like to call it—you will be escorted by security to the changing area. There you will receive your final pay with any deductions resulting from improper upkeep of costumes.

We hope that this holiday season has been rewarding for you, and never forget that although you earn minimum wage, you cannot put a price tag on the joy you have instilled in the hearts of the countless children who visited Amalgamated North Pole Village this year (To be precise it was 12,325 children at $12 a head not including merchandise sales and refreshments.)

Although we take no responsibility, we do regret, how shall we say, the overzealous approach our security staff took in the recent unionization efforts of a few bad apples among our holiday associates. As the security detail is a private concern outside the control of UHFA, we had no way of knowing they would use live ammunition to disperse off-duty elves passing out leaflets. That was a bad day for UHFA, as you can imagine what the effect of a hail of assault rifle fire has on a business dealing mostly with children and the feeble minded. All of the poinsettas that aren’t already dead will be donated to the families of the deceased.

A tragic event. But still, we don’t think there was any need for a union and after spilling a very limited amount of blood we are once again one big happy family--minus the casualties. That is until today’s layoffs in which case we will all go our separate ways.

As you are clearing your lockers of personal items and empty liquor bottles, try to reflect on all of the good you have done for the community instead of taking the selfish route and worrying about how you will feed your families. Think of the joy of waking up on X-mass morning without having to worry about going to work. Priceless.

Have a Happy Holiday.

P.S. We will be requiring the employment of many of you from the elf department to work as leprechauns for our Saint Patrick’s Day exhibit.

No comments:

Post a Comment

If you can't say something nice, say it here.