Drowning Under Santa's Tsunami

November 15th is the opening day of the Christmas season. At least that is the mandate handed down by Starbucks. If I were a real writer--and not just a wise-ass with a computer--I would check out other retailers and find out when they begin the holidays. I suppose I could send my research assistant out to investigate, but right now he’s busy waiting in line to buy me tickets for “Wrestlemania: Christmas Nutcracker.”

When I asked the woman at Starbucks how we were all supposed to keep our sanity while being bombarded with lousy X-mass music for the next six weeks, she shrugged and gave the unconvincing reply, “That’s retail.” I thought we decided fifty years ago that the Nuremberg defense wasn’t valid?

Far be it from me to stand in the way of Starbuck’s--and the rest of the retail industry’s--holiday juggernaut. Although I am a devout atheist, Christmas is such a wonderfully pagan celebration that it has rather come to grow on me. I haven’t gone as far as buying a tree, but I have got on board the X-mass express in other commercial ways. I’m not about to open myself up to criticism from the political Right for trying to sabotage this important few weeks in American commerce. Let me just say that I opened up my wallet and did my fair share to support small businesses.

Does going to bars count towards holiday spending? I bought some drinks and a cigar over the shopping weekend. That has to help out the economy and the country. Sometimes I am just so touched by my own patriotism and holiday spirit. You’re welcome, America.

On another Christmas note, as I was passing through the Seattle Center this morning I noticed they have this holiday sleigh ride video thing you can do with the kids. You load the kids in this sleigh and they film them pretending to be flying around like Santa's helpers. Through the miracle of special effects they make it look like the sleigh is actually flying over the city of Seattle. They had a demo tape in the TV and it looks pretty real.

It was early in the morning and there weren't any customers yet so I went up and talked to the guy running the show. I asked him if I slipped him an extra $20 could he add in some extra special effects. He asked me what I had in mind exactly. I tell him that as long as we're making a movie let's make it exciting. I'm thinking that maybe the sleigh gets high-jacked by terrorists. OK, maybe that is in bad taste. How about if the sleigh clips the Space Needle, bursts into flames, and then crashes right into the Pike Place Market? How about a mushroom cloud (the sleigh was armed with a nuclear warhead)? I'll pay more for a mushroom cloud. I told him I was thinking something along the lines of Charlie Brown's Christmas meets Resevoir Dogs meets Pearl Harbor. He told me that wasn't possible and then brushed me off to get back to the important task of making holiday sleigh videos.

He was about as humorless as a U.N. weapons inspector. I'm thinking that if there is one fucking job on this planet that requires a sense of humor it would be making retarded Christmas videos.