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Thursday, December 05, 2002

Holiday Gift Ideas for Your Leg-Humping, Shoe-Chewer

Giant advances in technology are rapidly changing the way we live. I’m sure that statement will go unchallenged, but I never thought that I would find evidence of our brave new world in the neighborhood grocery store, of all places. It was there that I first saw a doggie chew toy that looks remarkably like a sandwich. This rubber squeak toy could very well represent the single greatest advancement in canine entertainment in our lifetimes.

Imagine the look on your dog's face when he finally runs down this virtual hoagie you have thrown, only to find that it is not layers of meat and cheese on an onion roll but an adorable plastic plaything that squeaks. Do you think the dog really thinks he’s chasing a sandwich or do you think that he’s simply bored and would chase a bookshelf if you threw it far enough? We may never know the answer to what is undoubtedly one of nature’s greatest mysteries.

Tithing is a practice of the Mormon religion in which the faithful donate 10% of their incomes to the church. For dog owners 10% of total income is recommended for the purchase of chew toys. It is not recommended that you buy all of the toys at once, but that you stagger their purchase over the course of the year, which will prevent man’s best friend from turning 1/10 of your salary into a froth of mangled plastic and dog spit in a matter of hours, leaving him the rest of the year to contemplate the entertainment value of mauling your footwear and furniture.

After speaking with my accountants the other day, I learned that my stock portfolio now consists of two half-off coupons from Domino’s pizza and a cash value of $1.59 in stock for a company called sendmeyourmoney.com. In an effort to diversify, I have decided to combine my love of dogs with my aversion to real work and manufacture my own line of dog toys. The following is the Leftbanker Dog Toys catalogue for 2003.

1) A plastic stick that meows so your puppy has the joy of chasing a stick added to the thrill of sinking his fangs into a cat.

2) Plastic replicas of your $450 hand-sewn leather wing-tip shoes. If Rex chews one of your real shoes you can wear one of his plastic toys to teach him a lesson. Caution: Squeaking may distract other symphony-goers if you try to sneak out to the bar before intermission. Comes in sizes 8-12.

3) A $6,000 full-sized leather sofa that squeaks. He’s going to chew it up anyway so you may as well make it fun for the little guy.

4) A bound and gagged mailman. Note: A live human being sold as a chew toy may be prohibited in some states—even U.S. Postal workers. I told you the Republicans would turn this country into a police state.

5) A scale model of our president made of rawhide. Fun for the whole family. Especially entertaining when you take Fido for a walk to see what shape the president (with undigestible head) will take after going through the dog's intestinal track.

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