Preface

I have been trying to write a one page preface for my book and it is harder than I thought. Here is one I wrote and quickly rejected.

Who among us hasn’t flirted with the idea of uprooting yourself from the security of a comfortable life in a beautiful American city; moving to a country whose language you speak badly and where you don’t know a single person; plopping down at random in a city you visited only briefly long, long ago; moving into an apartment with total strangers who look at you as something along the lines of an exotic pet; changing absolutely as much about yourself, from your name to the food you eat so as to fit in better—you pray—in your new surroundings? Me neither, at least that’s not the way I looked at this move before I left. I was either too naïve, foolhardy, or ill-informed to give the possible downside of moving much in the way of consideration. I suppose that I had reached a time in my life when all of the risk of this move was completely outweighed by what I thought I would gain.

In popular parlance I guess you could call my decision to move a “no-brainer” which seems to fit on more than one level. On the one hand it seemed like an easy choice to make: stay where I was or make a huge change just for the fun of it. It was also a no-brainer in the sense that not much serious thought went into my move. I think the worst that could happen I have already laid out in the first paragraph, and it really wasn’t bad at all. Just about everything else I write about represents the best things that can happen if you take a flying leap into a new life. If someday I do hit bottom, I’ll spare you the details. Come to think of it, people love hearing about that sort of stuff so if it happens to me, I promise that I’ll take good notes as I fall to pieces.

I don’t think that complaining is an essential element when chronicling a new culture, not that I have much to complain about. There are some authors who have made a good career by whining about everything they see, hear, smell, and eat in their travels. I call this the “There’s No Place like Home” school of travel writing. These guys could have saved themselves a lot of trouble by just sitting in front of the television and watch as someone else does it for them. I consider myself to be extremely low maintenance, as they say, and when I travel I’m perfectly willing to sleep on a train station bench. I’m not saying that a bench is my first choice in sleeping arrangements but if it comes down to that I’ll survive for a night or two. I’ll eat damn near anything and extra credit if it’s fried (I’m actually a pretty good cook and I have a few essential recipes in the book).

I suppose that the flip side to complaining too much would be those writers who are overly-romantic in describing the people and places in their travels. You can call this the “Wine Dark Sea” school of flowery travel writing in which every noun has an accompanying adjective, every vista is “breathtaking,” every dish is “mouth-watering,” and every person you meet is a lovable and charming stereotype. I know it is very popular with readers so I should mention that I don’t fix up an old house in this book. Instead of This Old House my style is more This Brand New Apartment which means I have the time to work on my Spanish and reflect on the things Americans can learn from the Spanish lifestyle instead of making trips to the hardware store.

¿Hablas español?

¿Hablas español?

I haven’t traveled to many countries in my life and most of those I have visited I speak at least a bit of the language. This is no coincidence as I don’t feel comfortable visiting places where I don’t speak any of the local language. I just feel stupid speaking English when I’m away from home. Now that my Spanish has greatly improved I think I would get along just fine in Italy, Romania, Portugal, and Brazil simply because Portuguese, Rumanian, and Italian are so similar to Spanish. I know that my phobia about foreign languages is a bit irrational and I shouldn’t let it keep me from seeing more of the world but it does. I don’t feel too claustrophobic as I can get by in Spanish, French, Arabic, and Greek. I’m certainly not bragging about this as my speaking ability in all but Spanish is pretty crappy but, as I said, I can get by.

I would say that a lot of Americans speak a lot more Spanish than they give themselves credit for knowing. Simple things like buenos días, buenas tardes, gracias, por favor, tacos, burritos, and being able to count are not such simple things if you have ever traveled to a country where you aren’t familiar with this absolutely essential vocabulary. A lot of people at this level probably think that their ability in Spanish isn’t worth mentioning. I would beg to differ. How many Americans know what cerveza means? If you can order a beer in the native language you are off to a great start in any country.

If I had this much of a base in Chinese, or Russian, or some other strange language I would be positively fearless about traveling to those lands. If you have taken even one high school Spanish class you would probably be amazed at how well you can get along in Spain or any other Spanish-speaking country. Just study up a bit before you take a trip and I guarantee that you will be quite pleased with your ability to effect any number of transactions in Spanish. I also guarantee that people won’t make fun of you. No matter what your level, people are always very grateful when someone even attempts to speak their language. I have spoken French with people in France who I know speak perfect English and they always allow me to struggle through in their language. I am very hard-headed in that I insist on speaking the language of the host country.

When you tell someone that you have studied a language invariably the first question they ask you is, “Are you fluent?” After studying any language for any length of time you realize that “fluent” has little concrete meaning. By fluent do they mean that you can order food in a restaurant, book a hotel, or offer greetings and thanks? If this is the case, then all of those Americans I mentioned before with a basic grasp of Spanish are fluent. For me “fluent” doesn’t have much meaning. I am more interested in just being able to function in another language—at least at first. Even being functional has a lot of room for interpretation. Learning another language isn’t like memorizing all of the State capitals; it is a huge task that can take a lifetime. There are plenty of rewards along the way and everyone gets a prize for trying. On one trip to Amsterdam I learned how to order a bottle of beer. It took me a while to memorize it because I got the phrase out of a guide book and I wasn’t at all sure about the pronunciation. I sat down at a café and blurted out my few words of Dutch to the waiter. He simply nodded and turned away. I don’t think that I have ever been more pleased with my accomplishments in the study of languages than when he came back with what I ordered. I felt like I had just brokered a peace between the Palestinians and Israelis in Arabic and Hebrew. You have to savor the little victories in life. Worry about Middle East peace later.

Diplomacy? What's That?

Diplomacy? What's That?

Who would have ever thought during the eight long years of the past presidential administration that America would ever try diplomacy? I thought we had all but given up trying to act like adults. After this I would love to see Obama finally end the embargo with Cuba.

I have been doing a fair bit of reading about the ancient Mediterranean world. The Persians were a much less bellicose empire than the Greeks or the Romans, preferring to negotiate to achieve their political aims, or f that didn’t work then to bribe their way out of a tricky situation. In the post World War II era, has America achieved anything through military means? If we have had any success in warfare it was probably greatly outweighed by the opportunity costs of not attempting another approach to the same problem.

I just want to say how refreshing it is to have a president who talks to people like adults.

In the "News"

In the "News"

Mr. Cramer, who calls himself a lifelong Democrat, said last week that the administration’s agenda was “destroying the life savings of millions of Americans.” One week earlier Mr. Kudlow declared that Mr. Obama was “declaring war on investors, entrepreneurs, small businesses, large corporations, and private equity and venture capital funds.”

This appeared in the New York Times on March 9, 2009. My savings had been pretty much devastated well before Obama even took office. I have the bank statements to prove it so fuck the both of you two liars. Apart from all from all of the insider trading criminals, who would be foolish enough to invest in this incredibly shitty market? In an unbelievably bizarre turn of events, Jon Stewart, the host of a comedy news parody program, has taken it upon himself to do the job that the American press can’t be bothered to do. He has exposed some of the scumbags responsible for the current crisis, and more importantly, he has exposed the equally scummy members of the press who should have been keeping an eye on the thieves running the show. Instead, the financial press has been cheerleading for the very companies that we are now bailing out to the tune of hundreds of billions of dollars.

This shit storm all started when The Daily Show broadcast a clip of CNBC personality Rick Santelli criticizing the Obama administration for attempting to support people who had lost their homes in the recent financial implosion calling them “losers.” These are the same assholes who scream “Class Warfare” when anyone criticizes the rich. I mean, what the hell do these “losers” think by trying to own their own homes? What kind of human being ridicules people who are being evicted from their homes? How do these people get this way and how do we cure this affliction of heartlessness and utter stupidity?


One of the most disgusting things about this entire incident is that fact the NYT has taken the side of the people responsible for turning a blind eye to the financial establishment while markets were being ravaged by shady and illegal trading practices. The financial press, those we trust to monitor this facet of society, either willfully or through ignorance allowed this meltdown to happen with barely a whimper of protest. Then these same news outlets have creeps like this Santelli who blame the mess on home owners unable to make a few mortgage payments. Even worse, they criticize people like Stewart who try to make a bit of sense of the matter after the fact. This article basically accuses Jon Stewart of being sanctimonious when in fact he is merely doing the job the New York Times failed to do in reporting this huge mess.

Because even the dumbest of the dumb have seen that there conservative platform has been sinking, many who once called themselves Republicans are jumping ship and switching their name to libertarians. Evidently, Atlas Shrugged has been enjoying a bit of a revival as the former Republicans are desperately seeking new ideas. I guess they have already exhausted the wisdom of Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Joe the plumber. Ayn Rand made me puke when I read her stuff when I was 16, mainly because there are only two kinds of people in her world: creative geniuses and people like me who are evidently only put here on earth to roll little balls of shit and to be the slaves of the smart folks. I can almost see how this Randian swill would appeal to the Paris Hiltons, Donald Trumps and W Bushes of the country, but how do they keep selling this shit to the lower order of conservatives? I can just see some out-of-work factory worker watching Fox News and getting pissed off because Obama wants to raise taxes for America’s top 1%.

The Daily Show clip was absolutely brilliant. It was one of the best works of political satire I've ever witnessed. Lord knows the "real" news people can't be counted on to do their jobs and point out the incredible hypocrisies that bombard our airwaves and systematically lower the IQ and critical thinking skills of most Americans. For the most part, our airwaves are filled with either puerile doggerel at best, and at worst every sort vile lies which are masquerading as information. All The Daily Show did was to point out some of the outrageous garbage that was being broadcast as news on some financial news networks. The last thing conservatives want if for people to have any kind of memory. They want us to believe that all of the country’s ills began when Obama took office two months ago. They don’t want people to remember the ridiculous claims they made for going to war in Iraq. They don’t want people to understand that while they held the White House and both houses of congress for six years they failed in just about every single aspect of governing. For those years they blame it all on Bill Clinton.

Conservatives criticize Obama’s stimulus plan because it is increasing the national debt yet they didn’t seem to have a problem when Bush all but bankrupted the country to finance his two failed wars. I know of no credible economists who would recommend against deficit spending while the country faces this huge slow-down. We lost 650,000 jobs in February alone. The Republican answer is to cut taxes and allow for more drilling in protected Alaskan wilderness. Their absurd energy proposal would probably net less than 20,000 jobs, at most. Energy isn’t a particularly labor-intensive industry. The Republican plan has nothing at all to do with helping Americans out of work; it is simply an obstructionist policy intended to hinder Obama. If Obama fails, the country fails, but what is that to Republicans?


*The fray began with this clip.
The full Cramer interview.

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Hot Turtle Action Video!