With Our Condolences

I grew up reading Woody Allen’s great comedy books so I was thrilled to be able to listen to him reading them in these audio editions from  Audible.  These gags are my tribute to Woody Allen.

In this popular feature we share with you the week’s top obituaries from across America. 

The death of Morty Weintraub came as a complete shock to everyone—both residents and work-release caregivers—at the Final Countdown Retirement Facility. No one even knew that the 103 year old former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader stalker owned a skateboard or that he had planned to ride down the handrail from the mezzanine at the Manhole Adult Theater where the funeral will be held on Wednesday. The proprietors of the local cinema request that in lieu of flowers mourners send tips on how to remove blood from a wool carpet.

Arthur “Artsy-Fartsy” Copsky, director of the cult scatological horror classic I Know What You Had for Dinner Yesterday: Corn, died peacefully in his sleep on Thursday. Unfortunately, he was driving a crowded school bus at the time.

Local teenager Josh Evans, 14, became the youngest person ever to die of old age. It had been his dream that he would be the first of his family to live long enough to attend high school.

Renowned Koranic scholar Ibrahim Abdullah (or Abdullah Ibrahim if you happen to be reading this in your rearview mirror) was pronounced dead on arrival today at Our Lady of Obama-Care Hospital from injuries he received from an overly-enthusiastic application of the Heimlich Maneuver when his guttural recitation of the Islamic holy book was mistaken by a passerby as choking.

A retired harmonica repairman died in an accident yesterday in what was the 24^th model train related fatality in the past two days in the Tri-State area, still shy of the record of 35 set back on Labor Day weekend in 1989.

Cecil Artilio pushed what doctors say was the limits of dying of natural causes when he passed away from complications arising after being thrown into the moving propeller of a large military aircraft.

Former Mafia assassin and founder of the uplifting Christian singing group, Up Yours, Anthony “Ice Pick” Cacciopoli left this world on Friday after his gardener mistook him for a rose bush and trimmed 11 of his 13 bodily appendages. When pressed for details the gardener replied reticently, “He should have said something. What am I? A mind reader?”

"You Look Tired"

Fatherly Advice from The Godfather

It’s almost impossible to click your mouse these days without hitting on some list of things men are supposed to know. Most of their life tips are completely silly and useless but why would you expect more from some guy on the internet? Instead of heeding the advice of some nobody I sought out the wisdom of a guy a lot of us admire.

1. No body, no crime.

2. Send a hand-written note of apology if you finger your best friend in a plea bargaining deal. You’d expect the same from him if he ratted you out.

3. Don’t be too hasty choosing a prison gang. The Aryan Brotherhood has cool tattoos but the Mexican “La Eme” throws better Christmas parties.

4. Putting two in the back of someone’s head may seem like a cliché way to clip somebody but I guarantee that the mutt you just took care of won’t think that.

5. Remember to stretch before giving someone a beat down so you don’t pull a muscle.

6. The time to learn how to kill a guy with a prison cafeteria tray is not right when you need to kill a guy with a prison cafeteria tray—improvising works in jazz but rarely in a jailhouse assassination.

7. The driver gets to choose the radio station in the getaway car. No arguments!

8. Always wear safety glasses when stuffing some punk in a wood chipper.

9. Keep your friends close but keep your enemies close to an open window on the 10^th floor.*

10. Looking good is important so remember to fix your hair after the cops finish pistol whipping you.

*I’m plagiarizing myself with this one but I think that is allowed.