Your Olympic Dream is My Nightmare

Like how during a tornado you're supposed to go down into your cellar, during these weeks every four years I avoid giving a passing glance at the TV in bars for fear of seeing ice dancing or some other abomination. Are the Winter Olympics over yet?

Stalin's Ghost by Martin Cruz Smith

Here are just a few moments at the beginning of the novel that made me laugh or smile in admiration at the skill of the author.

A woman is trying to contract the killing of her husband and offers a warning to the would-be assassins:
“He’s very strong,” she said.
“No, he’ll just be heavy,” Victor assured her.

A mass grave has been discovered beneath the courthouse in Moscow:
Gleb asked, “What if the grave runs under the entire court?”
“That’s always the problem, isn’t it? Once you start digging, when to stop?”

Arkady is talking with a grumpy, old chess master:
Platonov scratched his chin. “You’re in the prosecutor’s office, aren’t you? Well, intelligence isn’t everything.”
“Thank God,” Arkady said.

Considering his boss in the prosecutor's office:
He didn’t believe Zurin would stab him in the back, although the prosecutor might show someone else where the knife drawer was.

Arkady held up his ID for all to see and announced, “Filming in the Metro is prohibited. Also this gathering is delaying the scheduled cleaning and maintenance of the Metro, putting the public safety at risk. It’s now over. Go home.”
Zelensky said, “I don’t see any cleaning women or maintenance men.”
“A schedule is a schedule.” (Arkady is as Soviet as the best of them at times)

Martin Cruz Smith’s description of a speed chess tournament (called a blitz) is absolutely the finest writing about the game that I have ever come across. Movies try to make chess exciting by having players hurl pieces around the board and slam the clock after moves but this chapter in the book is positively thrilling. It is truly a masterpiece of writing.

The Ultimate Tipping Guide to the Universe

To tip or to slink cowardly away without leaving a red cent, that is the question. Or is that two questions? Isn’t that two questions? What was Shakespeare thinking? And was Shakespeare a lousy tipper as many literary historians now agree or did he throw money around like a mobster on his last night before going away to prison? Tipping is basically a way for you, the costumer, to make up for the pathetic salary of the person serving you (in many US states this is less than the minimum wage) because obviously you can afford it more than a guy who owns a chain of 15 restaurants. How much do you tip your bartender even if there isn’t a snowflake’s chance in hell she’ll go home with you? Tipping is a thorny and confusing issue so let’s get down to it.

In Europe they’ve decided that business owners can afford to pay their own employees so tipping is pretty much a thing of the past. When I first stopped tipping in Spain I thought that people were being unfriendly to me because of my cheapness. Boy, was I ever relieved to learn that the reason waiters and bartenders hate me is because of my long list of annoying personal habits and it has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t tip. In the USA it’s best not to buck the system so tipping is essential. But how much and to whom?

The first rule of tipping is that when in doubt, leave a huge tip. A good tip makes up for bad behavior. Uncivil deeds seem to follow me around like a Cub Scout troop. Take your pick: you can either be known as a great tipper or the guy who drove over the valet parker. If you aren’t in the habit of committing disgraceful acts when you leave home you may need our standardized guide to tipping.

Food Service

     Barista – My morning cup of coffee is without a doubt the best part of my day so leaving a great tip is worth it and not very expensive.

     Bartenders - $1 a drink or 15% on the total.  A small price to pay to America’s true heroes.

     Waiter Staff – 15% - 20% and if you have small children in your party leave enough to pay for a power-spraying of the entire restaurant.

    Delivery Person – Hook them up with at least a couple bucks. They either arrived on a moped or in some ridiculous vehicle with a huge sign on the roof.

Hotel Staff

How much do you tip the concierge in the $500 a night boutique hotel you’re staying at in Monte Carlo? What the hell is a concierge? Why would anyone ask a broke-ass writer like me questions like that? I’m more of a sleep-on-the-train-station-bench kind of guy.

    Bellman/Porter - $1 to $2 per bag, $5 minimum.

    Maid - $2-5 a day, more if you left a dead body in the room.

Other Services

     Barber/Hairstylist – In your case whoever was responsible for that carnage on your head is lucky not to do a little jail time, but generally 15-20% is about right. I tip big because I have beautiful hair.

     Cab Driver - 10% or $2-$5 minimum. Tip more, of course, if vomit is involved.

Magazine Essay Writers

Can you really put a price tag on the joy you receive from reading a finely-written magazine article? The answer is “yes” and that price is $25.  As soon as I write a finely-written article I’ll tell you how to send the tip.

Skateboarding: Figure Skating with a Death Wish

Ex-skateboarder Turned Iron-lung Daredevil

What is skateboarding after all? Isn’t it really just figure skating on a board with four wheels? Instead of wearing cute, sequined suits skateboarders wear baggy pants with their underwear showing and dorky knit hats but the concept is the same. Skateboarders think they’re tough and rebellious because instead of doing their thing on ice which is hard but allows you to slide when you fall, they skate in parking lots and on sidewalks. The first law of physics states that any collision between the human body and asphalt results in damage—sometimes irreparable—to the carcass. Everyone but skateboarders seems to know this innately but as Voltaire pointed out a few years ago, common sense isn’t too common.  

Here is a another rule that skateboarders should adopt immediately: if someone films you breaking half the bones in your body as you attempt to slide down a steel handrail on concrete steps (why would anyone think of doing this?) as soon as they cart you off for medical treatment or an autopsy little Martin Scorsese with the camera has to try the same stunt. I can’t bring myself to watch skateboard accident videos…and aren’t all skate videos about horrific accidents? I also don’t watch snuff flicks which fall into the same category and are illegal to make for obvious reasons. So why don’t they ban videos of terrible skate accidents?

Many of these skate accident videos are basically suicide attempts, or partial suicide attempts (whatever that means), at least from what I’ve seen. I imagine that the dialogue between a skateboarder and his psychiatrist would go something like this. “So, doctor, I’m thinking about launching myself on my board down a long flight of stairs while I try to balance on the steel hand railing.” The doctor takes a few notes and replies, “So, tell me about the feelings of abandonment you have concerning your father. Isn’t there some other activity besides skateboarding that would allow you to act out these feelings of resentment without damaging your body in such a way that you’ll walk with a pronounced limp for the rest of your life? Have you tried figure skating?” The skateboarder calls the doctor a “homo” and runs out of the office without paying.

I’m guessing that there’s already a new sub-culture of mangled ex-skateboarders who now do tricks in their wheelchairs, or hospital beds, or iron lungs. Check on Youtube for the videos.

Kids and the City

I grew up in a medium-sized town in the middle of America, a place where most people lived in individual homes with big yards and lots of space. Most of my adult life has been spent in the confines of big cities and I’ve lived in apartment buildings. My apartments have been big and very small but always smaller than the average American house…and forget about having a yard. This has been a great life as an adult but a lot of Americans claim that the city is no place to raise children. I think that millions of urban families in Europe would beg to differ. 

 

Back when I lived in the downtown area of Seattle there was hardly a family to be found as they preferred to nest out in the residential or suburban confines of the city. I can’t say if things have changed since I moved from Seattle seven and a half years ago. I can say that the dense urban environment where I now call home is loaded with families. In Seattle I would see families coming and going to the Seattle Center and other tourist attractions but it was just plain odd to see children in most of the places I frequented. Minors aren’t allowed in bars in America and in Seattle they weren’t even allowed in the bar area of restaurants. Here in Spain bars have a lot more functions than just handing out alcoholic beverages and children are welcomed everywhere.

I bring this up because I was at a sidewalk café yesterday watching the Barça-Valencia football match and along with the adults there was a strong contingent of kids in the crowd. I think kids here have a completely different kind of life than most American children. For one thing cars aren’t a part of their lives until they reach 18 years old and then only for a small portion of those with the means to own a car. Kids either walk, or ride the bus, or take their bikes, or they are passengers in their parents’ cars. I personally don’t think that people under 18 have any business behind the wheel of a car so this suits me.

I think that what urban kids miss in having wide open spaces to play they make up for in culture. I wouldn’t try to argue one way or another about which sort of life is better for children. These days I hardly think it makes a shred of difference one way or another whether a child grows up in the city or the suburbs. Most young boys only want to play video games and little girls are hypnotized by their iPhones.