Important Notice

Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.


Friday, July 26, 2013

What Would Genghis Khan Do?

Most of you probably only see the upside of horrible abuses and unspeakable atrocities but you have to remember not to get carried away and go too far. It can happen, believe me. One moment you and the rest of the marauding hoard are playing polo with the freshly-severed head of a vanquished chieftain and the next thing you know someone goes and burns down the orphanage. Granted, we all laughed about it at the time but blocking the doors and boarding the windows really wasn’t cool, man. It’s always sad when one over-the-top psychopath goes and gives barbarity a bad name. The Orphan Torcher—as he’s now called—definitely doesn’t represent all of the reprehensible and he must be punished.
We are a group that is quite used to maintaining discipline within the ranks. In fact, we often torture one another just for the fun of it. The thing is, when you drag a man behind a galloping horse and consider it a harmless practical joke it can be a bit difficult to know when someone has crossed over the line or has somehow violated the unwritten code—and we’re mostly illiterate so written codes don’t mean doodly-squat to us. Just where do we draw the line? Is it too much to push a cart of bound and gagged widows over a steep cliff? How about having more than ten items in the express line? If one of our guys is doing something he really shouldn’t be doing it reflects poorly on all of us.  A group of savages who wear necklaces made of human ears can’t afford to look bad.

One thing that a lot of you may not understand is that in the realm of the hunter-slaughterer societies like ours we have no words for “restraint” or “moderation.” If you can’t get your little mind around that then you should stick to farming or some other sissy endeavor where these concepts might have some use. Just take a look at this quote from the Big Guy: “The greatest joy for a man is to defeat his enemies, to drive them before him, to take from them all they possess, to see those they love in tears, to ride their horses, and to hold their wives and daughters in his arms.” Not much room in there for restraint or moderation. If you try to use a bit of restraint while swinging a huge battle ax you could strain a muscle or even worse. Nope, it’s better just to put everything you got into it.
 Genghis Khan—the man who made the Vikings look warm and cuddly—knew better than anyone the importance of follow-through when hacking an enemy in two.

So I’m sure you’ll rebuild the orphanage and I’m equally sure that one of our boys will burn that one down, too. It’s all just part of the circle of life and for many of you we are the last things you'll see in that circle. There probably won’t be time latter to say this so please forgive us if we get carried away—and we always do because that’s just what we do. Just try to stand still or it will get messier and more painful than it needs to be.


  1. I pictured myself with a basket filled with heads and ears (more than 10) in an express line queued with vegans at The Whole Foods. The horror...

  2. Two ears only count as one so if the vegans complain they are just being dicks.

  3. If I wore a necklace made of human ears, I'd imagine COK (Compassion Over Killing) and PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) with both be OK with that, right?

  4. Heh, heh. Vegans and dicks. That made be laugh because dicks are meat.


If you can't say something nice, say it here.