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Friday, May 28, 2010

Forlanification or Barney John's Diary

I have said this about one hundred times a year for too many years now: “I really need to trim down.” But this time I swear that I really, really mean it. Why are you laughing so hard? Christ, are you OK? Your face is turning freaking purple. I didn’t mean this as a joke. Are you finished? The thing is, I have said I was going to trim down before but I never truly believed that it was absolutely essential that I do it. Before I would lose a few pounds and then say, “Fuck it, good enough for government work” and then go back to my old routine. In the past I never had a precise goal on trimming down and I never really saw it as losing weight. I just wanted to look a bit better.

This time I have very precise goals I mean to achieve. These goals come in the form of clothes that I can’t or couldn’t wear before because I was too tubby. I have already lost enough that I can wear certain items in my wardrobe that I haven’t bothered even to try on in a long time. I have also bought a few things that I am using as a sort of carrot to make me realize that I have a way to go before the finish line.

It’s the new me. I’m a can-do guy. I’m a go-getter. I’m a “the glass is half full” man. You know what, fuck it, I’m going to write a book about my struggle with weight loss and make about a bazillion-trillion euros by selling it to other fatsos. I’ve already lost two and a half kilograms so I think that makes me a weight loss expert.

The title is in reference to the Uruguayan Diego Forlan who plays for Atlético de Madrid and who is prone to taking off his jersey after scoring. This would be sort of a punk move except he is a fantastic footballer (not to mention he has a hell of a gut). If I had this stomach I would never bother wearing a shirt ever again. The thing is, my legs could go with this torso. Shit, this guy might even want to trade legs with me. I think he'll keep his stomach, at least for now but...