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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Coming to a Theater Near You

Sneak Previews of Movies Coming to a Theater Near You

(Not really for my highly-sophisticated readers but something I submitted somewhere else)

3 Men and a Baby's Funeral

Three men of very questionable sexuality are forced to care for an infant with hilarious and ultimately fatal results. Don't try this at home! LOL

The Skinhead in the Striped Pajamas

Finally some justice on the planet when racists are sent to concentration camps. (A little boy wearing a yarmulke with a ferocious German Sheppard at his side pokes the tattooed and muscle-bound skinhead with a stick through a barbed wire fence)

Ladybug Man

The last of the insect-inspired superheroes—we promise. Really.

Hannibal Gump

The first mentally retarded serial killer. “Life is like a bowl of internal organs.” (Gump sitting on a bench wearing a dorky seersucker suit with the Lecter mask)

National Lampoon's Vacation in Hell

Lured by cheap airfares and a rising dollar, the Griswolds decide that this year it's Wally World in Baghdad! Clark desperately tries to escape as jihadists argue over the theme music to add to his youtube beheading video. Jihadist 1, “I think it should be My Heart Will Go On.” Jihadist 2, “We used that on the last video.”

Harry Potter and the Small, Dank Cell

It had to happen sooner or later. He's a magician but he can't make this marijuana arrest disappear completely. Sentence Suspended.

You Drive Miss Daisy, Bi-atch!

Snoop Dog is hired to drive around some old, wrinkled white hag.

Home, Not Alone

Macaulay Culkin and his girlfriend pretend they aren't home when MJ drops by for a visit, flowers and box of chocolates in his hand. (Michael Jackson grabs himself and let's out one of his patented “Yee HEE who”s as the couple cower on the other side of the door)

Bridget Jones's Poorly-Written Suicide Note

We wish. (A post-it note on the refrigerator door next to a coupon for ice cream reads, “By the time you read this I will already be dead and unable to make more movies”)

Honey, Bin Laden Blew Up the Kids

America's favorite bogeyman is back and more terror-licious than ever. Rated G for all audiences.

Some Complete Piece of Crap Starring Some No-Talent from SNL

Does it even matter what the story is about?

Sex and Disease and the City

What's the sound of four tramps clapping? “Another round of martinis and then it's off to the clinic for shots of penicillin.”

Indiana Jones and the Depends® of Doom

At the old folks home a very old Indy hasn't been changed in four days. Now he's in the fight of his life...to breathe!

Indian Jones and the Wrong Flavor Fruit Cup

Indy in his wheel chair with trademark hat and bull whip. “Hey, I wanted peach.”

Indiana Jones and the Email Attachment that He Can't Open

Brideshead Regurgitated

A really lame, really dusty movie about old, rich British people who have probably never had sex and if they have they thought it was icky and shameful.

Sister Act IV

The bloody saga continues. Starring Vin Diesel and directed by Quentin Tarantino.