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Thursday, November 06, 2008

Fun For The Whole Family

Fun For The Whole Family
(May not be suited for children under 18 and adults with even a shred of human decency)

I don't have any sort of spam filter on my comments box. It is a very old system that is no longer supported. YACCS comments is probably one of those things created in the crest of the dotcom era and then promptly set adrift in the harrowing sea of the internet. I sort of like the simplicity of my commenting. There is no word verification as most other comment systems use. Sometimes the word verification requires more typing than the actual comment you want to post. Wouldn't just one or two random letters be enough to thwart the bots that haunt the internet? I'm just asking. So for better or worse, I have stayed with my program.

I almost never even bother to look under the hood, so to speak, of my commenting program but when I did the other day I saw that I got spammed by some sort of porn-bot that left about a million comments. Fortunately, they were left in a post from about two years ago. That is like putting up a billboard in a cave. It doesn't seem like much of an advertising strategy, not that I know a thing about advertising. I set out trying to delete these rogue comments. The problem is that there is no way to do that other than deleting each individual comment which I actually set out to do. As I was deleting comment after comment I began to feel like some sort of crazy tech world Ahab. It would probably take me a good solid 24 hours of deleting to undo what the bot did automatically. I quickly gave up my quixotic endeavor.

Before I just said “fuck it” I couldn't help but notice the titles of some of the fabulous porn sites offered in the comment spam. They were all generated by the same IP address but there were offers of every type of porn imaginable (and stuff you wouldn't ever want to imagine). Britney Spears blow job, celebrities, lesbians, black lesbians, teen lesbians, hentai, anime, gay, MILF, black, mature, granny (when mature just doesn't do it for you anymore), Asian, Japanese (if Asian just isn't specific enough for your tastes), hairy pussy (I am so sorry about that one), how to have sex (for the kids?), how to have anal sex (what's wrong with just learning on the job), and perhaps a half dozen other variations on the theme of human reproduction. I actually wrote all these down on a piece of paper so I could remember them. That sheet of paper looks like some sort of perverted note to take shopping or the world's most ambitious "to do" list. I just hope that I don't accidentally pass away before I can get it off my desk and into an incinerator. I should probably check off some of the weirdest ones just to give folks something to talk about if I do happen to meet with an untimely demise.

If there were any justice in the world, any at all, I could get the the actual home address of the creeps who send this stuff. I have been keeping myself entertained this morning by thinking of ways that I would get even. On the top of the list is me renting a huge dump truck, filling it with my own feces (more poetic than just using random poop), driving up to their door, ringing the bell, and when they answer I get rid of the fetid load right in their living room. Or is that too good for them? I'll keep thinking. You work on getting me their addresses.

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