You Call That A School Shooting?

For Pete's sake! Do you call that a school shooting? You're a total disgrace to the breed. You say that you got picked on by the jocks, and that was why you hated athletics, but if we were to put this in baseball terms it would read: Cops 1, Confused Teenage Loser 0. I know that you actually shot yourself, but if you knew anything about sports you would realize that if you put one in your own goal by accident it still counts for the other team. You don't get a “do over.”

All of your classmates pretty much agreed that you were a complete fuck-up. Still, shooting yourself in the groin while pulling the automatic out of your pants? That goes way beyond being a loser. It's absolutely tragic, but in a sort of “ha-ha” funny variety of tragedy. What was that you were ranting just before the accident? “I'll teach all of you.” Teach all of us what, exactly? How NOT to unholster a firearm? How to shoot your own cock off? I'll take a pass on that lesson—never know when that thing can come in handy—no pun relating to a joke about masturbation intended. You may have actually had a chance to use yours if you could have just graduated from high school. You probably could have used your wiener in the prison where you will spend most of what remains of your life except they couldn't find very much of it.

You wanted to shoot up your school to become famous. Now that it's all over, they found out you left a video on youtube to brag about what you were planning. As of today it's been watched over 300 times. Wow, you are almost as famous as what's his name and the other little fuckhead, you know the ones, those two little shit stains who were famous for about a week after they both went nuts. I mean, you weren't even anywhere close to being original about what you tried to do. You will basically be remembered for the maladjusted little creep that you were. Who knows? You may have simply grown out of the dork you were in high school and gone on to do something remotely interesting with you life. If you make enough money it doesn't even matter if you're a dork. I'm afraid that it's a little late for that scenario to pan out for you.

Think about all the time you wasted over the years thinking about how you were going to get your revenge on your classmates. Just about anything else you could possibly imagine would have been a better use of your time. Most of the kids who tormented you over the years will go on to live incredibly pointless lives—that should be revenge enough for you. With all the money you pissed away on guns and ammo you could have hired an expensive prostitute to go with you to the prom. I think I saw that in a high school movie but it still seems like a better idea to me than shooting off your own reproductive organ.

What you never stopped to realize is that just about everyone's life sucks in high school. Everyone lives with mom and dad or some awful combination of that formula. You say that you hate school. Wow! Really? You and about every other kid in the world. Don't like getting picked on? The bullies call your a douche bag? Try taking a few minutes away from your video games and do some push-ups. Besides, most of the morons who do all of the bullying will be in jail, or married with two kids and divorced before most normal people graduate from college. You weren't thinking Big Picture, my man.