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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Death with Dignity, Inc.


There has been a lot of talk recently about euthanasia, living wills, dying, assisted suicide, death, deceased people, and other stuff that may interfere with you concentrating on the new Girls Gone Wild DVD. Most of us would rather watch videos of college girls making out than contemplate the grim realities of dying, especially if we are involved in any way. The issues that go hand-in-hand with death can be at least as messy as changing the oil in your car and you don´t do that yourself. Now there is a new company that can take care of the details of when you are chosen to go to the big Jiffy Lube in the sky.

Death with Dignity, Inc. is a subscription service that will ease any anxieties you may be harboring about the day you are picked to meet your maker. Death with Dignity, Inc. will help you preserve your image when you are in your most vulnerable and possibly most compromising position: death.

Here’s how it works. We install a tiny microchip in your head that automatically monitors all of your bodily functions. Well, not all of them because a few are just flat-out gross. When we receive indications that your vital signs have flat-lined, our team of professionals will jump into action. We guarantee that our people will be the first on the scene. Our associates will arrive in a discreet van disguised as a cleaning crew. They will immediately begin to sanitize the area by removing anything that may cause embarrassment for your loved ones. We will basically be doing what you would do yourself if you were about to have company over, but were prevented from doing it because you just croaked. Sometimes company comes at an awkward time.

We will clean your apartment so others won’t see that you have been living like an animal. Our technical experts will delete all of the files on your computer that would lead people to believe that you were some sort of expert studying human reproduction techniques, if you know what we mean. On second thought, maybe we will just take that laptop of yours out into the country and burn it. After our workers take off their HAZMAT suits they will probably want to take a long, hot shower.
We will return your overdue videos so family and friends won’t know that you were on a Ben Affleck movie marathon. We´ll replace your vulgar video choices with a copy of some boring foreign film you wouldn´t watch if you lived to be 200 but will make it look like you were smart. We will take out your trash that is filled with vodka bottles and empty cheese doodle bags. From the looks of your diet it´s a miracle you didn´t kick the bucket ten years ago.

Chances are pretty good that when you pass away, you will be in a less than flattering position, if you get my drift (RIP Elvis Presley). We will pull you off the pot, dress you up in your best clothes (clean underwear just like mom always harped on), and sit you in a reading chair with a copy of the Riverside Shakespeare in your lap. A fine glass of port sits on the table beside you. We will supply the port, because let’s face it; you couldn’t keep a bottle of half-way decent booze around for more than 12 hours. Let me remind you of the time you received a bottle of expensive scotch at the Christmas party and then drank 1/3 of it driving home that night.

Perhaps you’d like to leave behind a notebook filled with pictures of the fictitious children you sponsored from Save the Children. That is something you often thought about doing, but you could never afford it because instead you were sponsoring five movie channels on cable.

If you subscribe to our premium service, a Las Vegas showgirl will testify, under oath, that you passed away while trying to nail a difficult dismount while in flagrante delicto with the aforementioned 21 year old dancer (only 15% more to make them twins!). This service is extremely popular with our senior citizen clients who are still trying to impress high school classmates. As far as your lifetime ambitions go, the sky is the limit when you’re dead, so start living without worries. Leave it to us to lead others to believe that in life you were living a remotely interesting existence. We do such a good job that friends and relatives are often saddened by the untimely demise of slackers like you.

You spend a lot of time, money, and effort to create a false image of yourself that you present to the world while you are living. In death we can help you create an even more flattering image of you. It will be easier to do this after you pass away because we won’t have to deal with you screwing it up for us. Call it post mortem PR.

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