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Friday, January 11, 2008

There But for the Grace of God, Skate I


Just about all of us have had our moments of self-doubt when we question the course our lives have taken. Let’s face it, what teenager doesn’t believe that he/she will one day be rich and famous? Most of the time we fall short of our naïve and unrealistic goals we set for ourselves back in adolescence. I think we should all take great comfort in the fact that at least we didn’t overdose on drugs in a cheap San Fernando Valley hotel room at the age of 40 while performing as a member of the Ice Capades, like Christopher Bowman. At least we won’t be remembered as the bad boy of figure skating. If the words “figure skating” are found anywhere on your obituary, you’d better pray there is no afterlife because you are going to get beat up as soon as you check in. Double down on that for “ice dancing.”

Besides swelling up my self-esteem, I have also learned a valuable lesson from Bowman’s tragic demise: never die in a cheap hotel room—for any fucking reason. I don’t care if you threw yourself on a grenade to save a bunch of children; dying in a cheap hotel room is going to leave a stink on your good name no matter what—even if you don’t have a good name. Just throw one of the kiddies on the grenade instead. In fact, you’d better throw a couple of kids on the grenade because children are small and can’t absorb shrapnel like adults. What a bunch of kids are doing in your cheap hotel room is the subject for another essay.

If you are staying in a really nice hotel then feel free to participate in all of the high-risk activities you want: Overdose on drugs, cook up a batch of meth, or try to do some sort of Cirque du Soleil sex act. Put a rodent up your butt if for no other reason than to give the guys doing the autopsy something to talk about. If rich people do it, it’s called eccentric, but if you are poor it’s just creepy. If you are on a budget and are staying in a crappy hotel, don’t fucking die, man. It’s just too tacky. You have to be extremely careful if you are staying in a fleabag motel. Staying in shitty hotels is sort of like masturbation: Everyone does it, just don’t get caught.

There may actually be some benefits in being a member of the Ice Capades, but I’m not going to sit around and try to think of any. Are you kidding me? If you are down on your luck, or if you are just itching to perform in an ice skating show, do it under an assumed name and try not to croak while you are in their employ. Try to think about how your poor family will be embarrassed.

I think overdosing on drugs is pretty gross but if that’s how you want to check out, I won’t talk you out of it. A lot of supposedly cool people died that way. Just do your reputation a favor and spring for a decent room for once in your life.

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