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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Cork You

Cork You!

ValdepeƱas, Spain

Dear Makers of Lenorio del los Llanos Wine,

Right now I am calmly sipping a glass of your wine and enjoying a plate of olives, I am the picture of serenity and sophistication. This was not the case only a few short minutes ago as I was struggling violently to remove the cork from a bottle of your wine. From the effort I was exerting you would have guessed that I was trying to free my only child from beneath a huge boulder. If I had been trying to free my only child, I can only hope that the little angel was already dead so as not to hear the polyglot aria of obscenities I was singing as I yanked for all that I was worth, and then some, on the stubborn bit of cork that was dangerously positioned between me and my wine, like a clueless hiker separating a mother grizzly and her cubs.

I really like your wine. It is a fine product and very reasonably priced. I would like to offer a little advice on how to make your product a little more accessible to the general public. MAKE THE CORK EASIER TO EXTRACT! I am an adult male in great physical shape. I weigh about 180 pounds and I do 1.500 push-ups three days a week as a part of my fitness regimen yet I almost pulled my back out trying to get the cork out of your bottle. No kidding. Perhaps you could suggest some other upper body exercises that would aid me in opening your bottles. Either that or you should have a list of chiropractors on the back of the label.

If this is your subtle way of trying to get me to drink less, let me assure you that this is a failed strategy. I already thought out a back-up plan if I couldn’t open the bottle using conventional methods. I was planning to break the top off the bottle and then pour the wine through a coffee filter. Brute strength won out in the end but I was going to get at the wine one way or another.

Saludos, Un Cliente Fiel

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