Hype Quake

Hype Quake

Cue the song Also Spake Zarathustra from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

After that you can pipe in Flight of the Valkeries through the deafening sound system of your attack helicopters.

Run clip from early 1960’s Japanese monster movie of terrified villagers fleeing for their lives.

This is big, people, as big as it gets (at least in early March).

There can only be one. There will be no prisoners. No quarter will be requested and none given.

Perhaps you just crawled out from under a rock in some god forsaken cesspool section of the globe, where soccer daily newspapers don’t litter the tops of every bar in the city. Maybe where you live the television airwaves haven’t been bombarding you relentlessly for weeks on end about this bit of news. If you are to believe the hyperbole, this could be the greatest challenge to Valencian society in all of history—or at least this season. Tonight at 20:45 local, in Mestalla Stadium here in Valencia, Spain Valencia Club de Fútbol plays Football Club Internazionale Milano known as Inter. I don’t know about you but I know where I’ll be tonight.

I’ll be standing in the Plaza Valencia Club de Fútbol along with all of the other lose-oids who didn’t score a ticket for this deciding match in the UEFA (The Union of European Football Associations) Champions League playoffs. This is round 16 and the last time these two teams met in Milan it was a draw so one of the teams needs to win tonight. Don’t quote me on this because I haven’t verified it yet but I think that this means a penalty kick shootout at the end if the score is still tied after an overtime period is played. The winner advances to the quarter finals and the loser stays home, so to speak.

I have read about four newspaper accounts of the match so far today and they all have the same quotes from the same people. There don’t seem to be any articles geared towards dumb Americans who, although they have been here for over three months, still don’t understand the Byzantine world of European club soccer. I’m sure that I will know a lot more about this match tomorrow when it has all been decided. I just like watching the matches in the packed bars in my neighborhood.

I thoroughly buy into all of the hype surrounding this match because that is a lot more fun than just seeing it as two teams kicking a stupid ball back and forth. Two teams kicking around a ball isn’t much fun at all unless you believe that somehow the fate of Western Civilization lies in the balance. I went out and bought duct tape and plastic sheeting to seal up my apartment just like after 9/11 just in case the shit hits the fan after the game. Or maybe the shit will hit the fan DURING the game! I bet you didn’t consider that option mister “I’ve considered every option.” I have some stuff left over so why don’t I just seal you up in duct tape and plastic. I won’t put any tape over your eyes so you can still watch the game. OK, I’ll leave a little hole so you can breath…and drink beer.

Maybe tonight’s game isn’t going to signal the apocalypse but it seems the closest thing to it since I’ve been in Spain. What’s that you say? Barcelona is playing Liverpool tonight in another Champion’s League elimination match? Listen, if you are going to the store can you pick up some more beer? And get more duct tape and plastic sheeting. Make sure you wear clean underwear just I case something happens.