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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Addicted to Beer?

Are you in an awkward position of having a friend with a serious problem and you don’t know whether or not to confront this person? I have a very close friend who I believe is addicted to beer. It’s not like he can drink a beer and then go for several weeks or months without beer. He will drink a beer and sometimes he will drink another beer the very next day. He will buy six, twelve, and sometimes even 24 beers at a time. Think about that for a minute. 24 beers at a time? That’s just crazy. It appears painfully obvious to me that my friend is addicted and we may soon find him face-down in his own filth if he doesn’t seek counseling.

I know a lot of you out there think that being addicted to beer is “no big deal,” or that drinking beer every day is “cool.” You probably think that beer is not the least bit dangerous but I am here to tell you that there are serious health risks associated with beer. Did you know that beer is the main cause of death in people who try to ride a wheelie down a steep flight of steps on their motorcycles? Beer was also involved last year in the deaths of over 38 men who were struck down in the prime of life when they thought that the swimming pool at their hotel was deep enough for them to jump from their fourth floor balconies. Actually the pools were deep enough, just not on that end.

Studies have shown there is a direct correlation between beer and someone getting the living shit kicked out of them in a bar after they scream out, “I can kick all a yer asses, buncha wussies.” Perhaps you have seen this happen to a friend of yours. Perhaps this has happened to you. Beer doesn’t seem so harmless now, does it?

I could go on and on about the dangers inherent in drinking beer. I won’t point any fingers at the people who need help but we all know who we are. Some of you may even be drinking a beer as you read this. Don’t try to hide it between your legs and “shot gunning” the rest of your 20 oz. Miller Genuine Draft just seems like a desperate cry for help.

It’s sad, more than anything, to see how your life seems to be ruled by beer. I’ll bet you couldn’t even make it through nine innings of a baseball game without a beer. “I can quit whenever I want, I just don’t want to.” Who do you think you are kidding with that load of garbage? You can kid yourself, mister, but you can’t kid the lord. That’s right; it’s about time that Jesus got involved in your little crisis.

I will spare you the lecture about how you are using beer as a pathetic substitute for religion. Because I go to church every Sunday (plus all sacred holidays and to pray after I buy a lottery ticket) I don’t need beer, or I can drink just a little bit every once in a while. I may not even finish that one beer, while you almost got into a fistfight with a bartender because he tried to take your bottle of beer with half a swig of luke-warm backwash still in it.

What did you ask? Do I want to go have a beer? Do you mean “a single beer” because the indefinite article “a” is only used with a noun in the singular? Be honest with yourself, when have you ever gone out and had only one beer? I think that we both know that the answer to that is “never.” I can’t even imagine what sort of biblical holocaust would need to transpire to prevent you from moving on from “a” beer to two beers, or even three.

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