Yes, We Have No Horse Meat

I guess that I should wait to write this post until after I have actually tried some horse. Horse meat that is, they eat it over here. There is a store that threatens to sell horse meat (in the picture) across the street from my building but it is never open, or at least I’ve never seen it open, so I presume that horse meat isn’t too popular. They don’t sell it in the supermarkets, and you won’t find caballo on any restaurant menus that I’ve seen, but they do eat it. I asked around.

There is a stall at the Mercado de Algirós that sells horse meat. I checked it out the last time I was there. I mean I took a look, I didn’t eat any. They weren’t giving out free samples, or maybe they did but by the time I go there it was all gobbled up. Horse meat is a really dark red and the piece the woman was cutting looked pretty fatty. I would have thought horse meat to be very lean. I guess that I have a lot to learn about horse meat, or maybe I won’t learn more about it. I haven’t decided yet.

It is funny to think that I come from a culture where there is a significant taboo about eating horses. I have eaten some weird stuff in my life so it’s not like I’m easily frightened by what some people think of as food. I’ll try almost anything once. Most people eat some pretty horrible looking sea creatures. I have even eaten guinea pig before, a critter some people keep as pets. There is something about eating horses that goes even beyond our taboos about eating cats and dogs. I’m not saying that I would eat a cat or a dog before a horse. Let’s just say that when my brain receives and interprets signals from the body about hunger, the first impulse it sends out isn’t, “Hey, I have an idea: Let’s go with horse meat tonight.”

Am I alone in thinking this? For all that I know you people are all just dying to sink your teeth into some rare horse flesh. You are really starting to gross me the fuck out. There is no way that I am going to kiss you now until you have flossed and brushed. If there is anything worse than horse meat it’s the horse meat that’s been stuck in your teeth for three days.

See, now I’m just being culturally insensitive, so just put down your horse burger and come over here and give me a big fat kiss. Holy Jesus! A horse meat burp? You’re a real class act, young lady. You’ll never get a husband with manners like that. On second thought, I just don’t think this is working out between us, Little Miss Horse Meat Breath. Don’t take it too personally; I’m not attracted to vegetarians either. It’s not you, it’s me. I think that I probably just watched too many cowboy movies as a kid to eat a mode of transportation.