Strung-Out Runaway Loses Eye in Orgy Mishap

Did you see that headline in today’s newspaper? It’s not all fun and games after all. The group sex thing isn’t quite so appealing now is it, Mr. Hot Rocks? Eye gougings happen a lot more often than the people who make porn flicks want you to believe. As far as they are concerned, it’s just endless amounts of joyous hole stuffing. The last thing they want you to know is that, with alarming frequency, one of the orifices being serviced is someone’s eye socket, and it doesn’t end there.

Face facts, orgies are extraordinarily dangerous. It’s hot and sweaty, and there’s a lot of lube—both natural and man-made. Slippery kills; or at least slippery can be uncomfortable and hugely embarrassing. I don’t care how many Playmates are attending your orgy, it ain’t worth it if you are bent over sticking your tongue in Miss Novemeber’s ear and you get bent over accidentally by some clumsy hillbilly who only got invited because of the size of his penis. It’s dark. Did I mention that? You are running a lot of risks in your quest to cop the perfect nut. The nut being copped could be right in your own blow hole, my friend.

Your insurance probably doesn’t even cover traumatic eye injury due to wayward intercourse. Forget about Blue Shield paying for your therapy after Lester inadvertently plows you like a wheat field in spring. If your employer even thought that you were engaging in group sex, they would drop you from their health plan faster than you can drop your pants around your ankles.

Even a threesome presents a variety of safety issues that you may want to consider, even after you have poured a half dozen cosmopolitans into your girlfriend and her old college roommate. Let’s be honest here, you are no Olympic gymnast at this point in your life. You could screw your back up trying to nail a perfect dismount. Leave that stuff for the experts.

Sexual relations with just a single partner can also lead to you being hauled away in an ambulance speeding towards the emergency ward. Perhaps you should just tone down your kinky sexual fantasies and consider the safety benefits of masturbation.

Better yet, just put that thing away. Unless you are wearing goggles and a fluorescent vest you could still do yourself some irrevocable harm. And I’m just talking about old-school jerking off. That new thing with the belt around your neck that all the kids are doing these days opens up a whole new can of safety worms. Do you need me to spell it out for you? You may think that an eye patch is a sexy accessory, but the loss of depth perception due to mono-vision will destroy your Grand Theft Auto score. As awful as it may seem, thinking about Whoopi Goldberg in a thong could be the safest thing you could possibly do.