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Thursday, October 26, 2006


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Coming to a Theater Near You

They are all around us. You may have one living in your own yard. We tend to think of them as fury, woodland creatures that scamper to and fro. Scamper is a verb we have reserved for only the most harmless, the most benign of God’s creatures, and we only say things like “to and fro” when describing the most unthreatening of animals. You probably think that squirrels and others in the Rodentia order pose no threat to humans. That’s right, squirrels are rodents and every bit as vicious as other members of their clan, filthy beasts like rats and the terrifying capybara which can weigh more than 25 kilograms—that’s more than 55 pounds of man-eating beast for you hicks who aren’t yet hip to the metric system. While you are trying to convert kilos into pounds a full-grown capybara will eat your entire family. If you are lucky you have a few overweight children and it will spare you…this time.

What characterize these killers are their four incisor teeth that they must constantly file down by chewing. Sure, sometimes they may grind down innocently on acorns or seeds that they steal from the bird feeder in your yard, but what happens if these resources are not readily available? I’ll tell you what happens; they turn their fangs on humans. There are few things more sickening than seeing a squirrel bury its teeth into a man’s arm, ripping through flesh like shit through a goose. After making a pitiful mockery of the epidermis, a rodent will tear through muscle and tendon; from there it will devour vital internal organs until it finally finds its dessert: bone. A family of squirrels can completely devour an adult human in less then three minutes.

There was a time when people thought that sharks were no threat to our way of life. They did their thing and we did ours, or so we thought in our blissful ignorance. It took the movie Jaws to instruct the American public about the true nature of sharks. Finally a movie has come along to warn us of the frightful reality of squirrels. Gnaw tells the story of a peaceful Chicago suburb that learns the hard way about these cruel and heartless carnivores. After you see Gnaw you will never again let your children play in the yard without an armed escort.

That's all I got.

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