Why Rush Limbaugh Hates Us

Rush Limbaugh is a very angry man. He hates liberals. He detests Democrats. Rush thinks that liberals are the worst scum to ever have walked the face of the earth. Can you blame him? When he was just a boy he was sexually molested by a liberal. Although the police report doesn’t specify, young Rush may have been debauched by a hippie, possibly hippies, quite possibly many, many, MANY hippies*. Please think about that the next time you judge Rush harshly over his moronic views on national politics or his jingoistic opinions on foreign policy.

I know what you are all saying, being the hyper-liberal, ultra-politically correct, do-gooders that you all are. You’re saying that there is nothing funny about a child being molested. It isn’t funny unless it happens to a know-nothing, draft-dodging, proto-fascist sack of diseased manure like Rush Limbaugh who mocked someone with Parkinson’s Disease.

As a matter of fact, Rush was an adult at the time of the hippie gang rape...and it was consensual, very consensual, if you know what I mean. Are you happy now? Does that assuage the guilt you experienced over the rush of pleasure you felt about hearing of young Rush’s misfortune? He just looked younger than his eighteen years because he was such a corpulent, little red-faced cherub. He was so plump and cute back then that you would never have guessed that he would turn out to be the grotesque caricature of a capitalist pig that he became.

Think about that story the next time you hear one of his radio rants against liberals. Through his angry words it is impossible not to hear his desperate cries for help. With every slanderous diatribe he hurls at progressives, you can almost hear him pining for the time he spent an entire three-day weekend working a port-a-potty glory hole at a Grateful Dead concert—the best three days of his life according to his memoirs. The only way poor Rush can perform marital relations with his sixth wife is if he fantasizes about a psychedelic school bus filled with long-haired Viet Nam War protesters.

Every angry word that Rush utters against welfare cheats and environmentalists is simply the work of a man in complete denial. It’s sad to think that in order for Mr. Limbaugh to fulfill his true sexual orientation he has to wear a disguise consisting of a tasteful floral sun dress and a hat with flowers and fruit on the rim. Then he cruises bars frequented by union workers or PETA volunteers. His fetish for liberals has gotten so bad that he actually carries around a picture of Fidel Castro wearing a Speedo® in his wallet. He spends thousands of dollars every week calling a 1-800 number that charges $5.95 a minute to tell him intimate things about Noam Chomsky.

*I thought about that last ‘many’ for a while and I just felt it added immensely to the humor value of that particular sentence. Any humorist worth his salt knows that three of anything makes it funnier.