There's Never Any Hootchie At These Anti-American Mobs

Yo, Salim. Asalamu alaykum, my man. I like your poster: Death to America and all of the infidels who live there. That’s a good one, dog. What are we rioting about today you ask? Fuck if I know, but I’m sure we have good reasons. Hey Hakim. What’s happening, dude? Nice effigy of President Bush you’re burning. Those four years you spent at art school in the U.S. really paid off. Let me just throw this Molotov cocktail at the embassy and then I can shake your hand. Dude, why don’t you ever bring your sister? There's never any hootchie at these anti-American mobs.

I wouldn’t bring my sister, either. I’m just saying that we could use a little booty here. All I ever see at these things is the same group of swarthy dudes. I thought that there was a woman at yesterday’s riot but it was just a hostage they had wrapped in a blanket. Imagine my embarrassment when I was trying to get her phone number and all I got was some French journalist’s muffled plea for help. The sexual tension is so thick around here you could cut it with a strafing run from an Israeli F16.

I spit on the ground when I think of that country but do you remember when we were going to school in America? The street demonstrations over there had tons of hotties. That Freedom of Choice rally in Washington D.C. was like a Girls Gone Wild video. Riding in that crowded metro car on the way to the Mall was better than a lap dance. It’s no wonder that our demonstrations here at home always turn violent.

At least here at home we get things accomplished. We’ve had four riots this month and it’s only the 10th. When we were studying in America we’d be sitting around planning a terrorist attack and then someone would get the brilliant idea to hit happy hour. After that we’d waste the rest of the night trying to get laid. I know that it is the land of the Great Satan, but the wings at Hooter’s rock. And would it be such a terrible sin to have a couple of those waitresses here at this riot?

Where is Ali? I haven’t seen him at a demonstration since he got married. What? His wife has him at home painting their kitchen? Just leave it to women to screw it up for men when they want to go on a murderous rampage. By the way, I can’t make it tomorrow for the Death to Israel rally. I’m going to the mall. You guys should come. We can hook up with some girls. 

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