My Hippyphobia Sickens Me

Freedom's just another word for no dignity left to lose. 

I used to have a pet hippie. It was kind of cool although it didn’t really do much but sit around and smoke weed. The hippie died pretty quickly. I was surprised and a bit saddened by its hasty demise. I always thought that hippies lived a long time. There is a hippie in my neighborhood that must be almost 60 years old. He still keeps his 4-5 strands of oily hair in a ponytail. The rubber band he keeps it in must be over ten years old because it is all cracked and dried out. He is probably afraid to take his ponytail out because it might yank his last few hairs out of his head. I kept my hippie in a jar on the table next to my bed. Next time I will remember to poke a few holes in the lid so the hippie can breathe. I flushed it down the toilet.

Some people have told me that it is wrong to keep a hippie as a pet—even if you poke holes in the lid of the jar so it can breathe. They say that hippies must be allowed to roam free. Hippies are said to love freedom, which is why they never wear underwear. The thought of a 60 year old hippie running around loose without underwear is enough to make me want to stuff it (the hippie) in a very small jar with no holes in the lid and then flush it (the jar with hippie gasping inside) down the toilet.

At least this was the way that I used to feel about hippies. I have begun to understand that they can serve a useful purpose in modern society. Sure, all of you people think that all hippies do is get high and play Hackey Sack and you would be 100% correct in this assumption, but maybe we could find something for them to do that would benefit society? Hippies would be the first to point out that using animals for product testing is wrong. Why can’t we just use hippies for product testing? They take tons of drugs anyway. A hippie would ingest anything if it thought that there was even the remotest chance of copping a small high from it. It’s just a thought.

When you use animals for product testing it costs a lot to clean out their cages. Have you ever seen the way hippies live? If you so much as even hinted that you where going to clean their cages they would screech like wounded crows. Besides that, they can live on nothing but tortilla chips and shitty beer.

I can’t think of anything else right now, but I’m sure there are lots of things that hippies could do for society besides talk about the guitar solo in Stairway to Heaven or brag about how many Dead shows they went to but couldn’t afford to do anything but play Frisbee in the parking lot.