In The News

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I made the rounds today of some political blogs that I have almost totally ignored since the election. My, people do have their little opinions on everything these days. I got so bored so quickly that I almost fainted. The big news is that the courts want to stop feeding drooling. brain-dead vegetables. If they do that what are all the people who work at Applebee’s® going to do for a living?

Choose life! Any simple-minded half-wit who goes around spewing slogans like “choose life” deserves to have their fucking feeding tube yanked. To all of the fetus lovers out there: Go picket your local government building and insist that they provide better health care for every citizen so as to lower infant mortality in this country to a non third world level. Maybe we should worry more about the fetus’ we want to live.

Here is my living will: If I am ever in a vegetative state with no hope of recovery, you can yank my tubes as soon as I need a haircut. I have fucking beautiful hair and I don’t want it messed up by lying around in a hospital bed.

Do you think Michael Jackson is going to get off? Do you? Look, he’s on TV right now. I’m not gay but he looks pretty damn good. One of his tits is about to fall out, I swear. Wait, that’s Janet Jackson. I guess I’m not gay after all, did you hear that, mom? What a relief! What? Michael’s sister, Janet, used to be his brother, Tito? So am I gay or what? Fucking plastic surgeons!

The president says he wants to privatize social security. He says he wants to create a culture of ownership. He’s such a visionary. I don’t want the government taking all my money for my retirement fund; I can do it myself. Shit, I forgot to pay the electricity again and they turned it off. I’d put it on one of my credit cards but they’re all maxed out. I wonder if I could use part of my private social security account to pay for a new George Foreman grill?