Save Us, Homeland Security

The Department of Homeland Security released a disturbing report yesterday concerning the safety of Americans. Created in the wake of 9-11, the job of the Department of Homeland Security is to guarantee the absolute safety of every single American—except Americans driving automobiles. 50,000 traffic deaths a year and over 1.9 million injuries should not be a concern to Americans, we should only worry about terrorists.

“’Homeland’ is not a term we borrowed from the Third Reich, it’s just a nice word for nation or national,” reported Homeland Security Überswantzfürer Judge Michael Chertoff at a press conference. “And this? Don’t worry about this. It’s just a little mustache. Do you like my new storm trooper boots? Pretty shiny, ain’t they?”

In spite of the new department, and the billions of dollars that have been allocated for security, the nation seems to be at greater risk than ever. The report listed the following threats to American citizens:

--More Americans than ever before are running while carrying scissors.
--Little kids rarely wait at least 20 minutes after eating to go swimming.
--Diving in the shallow end is up 75%.
--Few people close the cover before striking a match.
--Mattress tags are being illegally removed in record numbers.
--In spite of the repeated warnings that “beer and whiskey, mighty risky,” the sale of boilermakers has been skyrocketing in taverns across the ‘homeland.’

Along with these appalling violations of homeland security the department also noted that horseplay is up 55% over the past 3 years. According to a departmental rumor, a child of a friend of one of the department employees’ sister lost an eye in a flagrant violation of playground security regulations. It’s not so funny anymore, is it? “Keep fucking around like this and we’ll have to take some drastic measures,” warned Überstankmeïster Chertoff. “This little thing? Don’t worry about this. It’s just a little armband I picked up at a gun show. Cool, huh?” When asked about what sort of drastic measures the department was considering, Chertoff mentioned that he hadn’t ruled out the possibility of canceling recess entirely.

Chertoff also suggested that much of the schoolyard “monkeying around” was undoubtedly the work of foreign insurgents. “American children know better than to go down a slide head-first. These are obviously al Qaeda operatives inciting our kids to perform illegal and unsafe acts.” While cross-referencing elementary school after-school detention lists, Chertoff mentioned that he found such names as Omar and Ali. “I’ll let you jump to your own conclusions.”

The Department of Homeland Security issued a warning that bubble baths are a privilege--not a right—of American children, and if foreign mercenaries continue to splash water out of the tub, creating potentially-fatal slippery floors, Mister Bubble will go the way of toenail clippers on airline flights. “Pardon the pun but a few bad apples may compel me to “pull the plug” on bubble baths. While I’m at it I have decided to declare martial law and impose a 5 p.m. curfew across the homeland. I’m doing this for your own good, people. Just last week Homeland Security agents had to shoot a kid who didn’t have a light on his bike. Upon further investigation it turned out he did have a light but our SWAT team sniper couldn't tell if the light was on because the bright afternoon sun was in his eyes.” Chertoff then threw what appeared to be a ‘high five’ to no one in particular and then walked jerkily away from the podium.