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Thursday, October 31, 2002

Halloween Fun Issue

As soon as you wake up today, before you shower or comb your hair, go to the grocery store and buy a couple bags of trick-or-treat candy. After the nice checker lady scans the bags of candy place a can of rat poison and a package of razor blades on the counter. Your move, nice checker lady.

Bring a basket of decorated hard-boiled eggs to work. When your coworkers scream at you that it’s Halloween and not Easter try to blame your confusion on the daylight savings time change. As you walk away pretending to reset your watch mumble half under your breath, "If you’ve seen one pagan holiday you’ve seen them all."

Scare yourself shitless by taking a drive to the suburbs with some of your city-dwelling, borderline-alcoholic friends. Gasp in horror as you drive through entire neighborhoods without a single solitary bar. God only knows how far you’d have to drive to get a decent Manhattan. When you get home go directly to the corner bar to calm your nerves with a Makers Mark Manhattan.

While you are out in the scary suburbs, go to the mall and heckle the security guy by asking him why he doesn’t have a toy gun to go with his cop costume.

Instead of sound effects of ghouls and goblins try using the soundtrack of a porn movie to create a Halloween atmosphere for your party. If you have properly stocked up on drugs and booze nobody should notice.

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