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Wednesday, June 05, 2002


Yet another bizarre yahoo search request that landed some corpulent wanderer at Leftbanker. I think that this syntactically-challenged search at least merits a half-assed attempt on my part to actually address this issue in one essay. The way in which search engines come up with requests is like some sort of enigma machine from an old spy novel. Although all of the words in this title can be found on this page they occur between lots of other words and thus have nothing to do with the intended request. I’ll attempt to right that little wrong.

So it’s tough harsh motivating inspiration and talk for fat people who need to lose weight that you want, eh? Here goes. I'll try the Richard Simmons meets Full Metal Jacket meets Judge Judy approach: You fat fuck! You make me want to puke. 1-2-3-4 that’s it, people, you can do it. We need to discuss your grocery bill. $800 dollars last month on ice cream toppings? Forget about what you spent on ice cream itself, I’ve spent less on a good used car. Just stay the hell out of the ice cream aisle altogether and maybe we can get somewhere in Operation Less Gravitational Pull.

Another thing, maybe you should steer away from the pastry shelf. Maybe you are just memorizing all of the names for pastry like a mathematician memorizes P(ie) (sorry, don’t know how to make that character) down to a thousand decimal points. Perhaps you chant these pastry names as a soothing mantra, “cruller, bear claw, long john, cheese Danish, scone, tart, cinnamon bun, mmmm, cinnamon bun.” I just think it would be better to remove the temptation from your life.

I think that I will simply write all of my posts to correspond to the insane search requests that pop up every day. How about a few hundred words on “pull down your pants and slide on the ice robert frost," or a short discourse on "indain housewife porn(sic)(how can they misspell indian?)?" I just want to give the readers what they want. Nobody gives a shit about my pseudo-intellectual views on the evils of pop culture or under-written homages to the great outdoors. Give me five minutes and I'll give the google searchers what they want: tailor-made search findings.

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