Parking Violators of the World, Unite!

I was walking through a sort of tough, gritty neighborhood of Seattle the other day when I decided to get a drink. I walked into a place called The Violation and sat down at the bar. I ordered a beer and took a look around. Oops! This could be trouble. I knew that I was out of my element. I had accidentally walked into a meter maid bar.

What was I thinking? I should have known by what was on TV: America’s Most Wanted Parking Violators. I had never seen the show before and I immediately got caught up in the action. They did re-enactments of real parking infractions. A loud cheer thundered through the bar when a citizen frantically searched for change as a parking enforcement officer punched out the last digits for a meter violation ticket.

I was too terrified to leave so I eavesdropped on a few conversations. There was lots of talk about taking down scumbags. One parking enforcement officer speculated that if Bin Laden only drove a car in Seattle he’d be begging the U.S. government to take him into custody. I would agree. My own car is hounded to death by these vigilant crusaders, these super-heroes in golf carts.

I finished my beer and was ready to run out when I was approached by an Amazon in uniform.

“You must be new.” Her right forearm, pumped up from writing tickets, weighed heavily on my shoulder.

I was parked in a commercial zone and was petrified. I heard myself say that this was my first day on the job.

…and so on and so forth. Perhaps a little vague sexual innuendo rife with double-entendre to further elaborate on the meter maid subculture. What I had written at the end of this article was a lot funnier than the crap you just read at the beginning of the piece but I was forced to remove it by the Meter Maid Anti-Defamation League of Seattle. I would rather piss off the IRA and the PLO than go toe to toe with this lobby. I hereby do apologize to all offended parties and in no way did I intend to bring discredit against the honorable and hard-working members of Seattle’s Parking Enforcement Bureau.