Your Cell Phone Makes You Look Fat

{SOMEONE HAS TO SAY IT!}

You heard me; your cell phone makes you look fat. That’s the only thing that I could think of that might convince people to lay off their phones just a little bit. Telling people that cell phones may cause cancer didn’t do anything to damper our enthusiasm for this gadget. No one seems to care that it's a dangerous distraction. Money seems to be no object when it comes to this technology as most customers seem thrilled to pay almost anything for the latest model in addition to a frighteningly high monthly service fee so any economic disincentive is unlikely to get people to hang up and join the human race. I doubt that a childish insult will do much to hold back this zeitgeist tsunami.

It shouldn’t bother me or anyone else that you spend your entire life punching itty-bitty keys and staring at a Lilliputian screen on this thoroughly obnoxious device that has done more to change modern society than anything since the automobile. The tiny miracle of the cell phone has also become almost everyone’s best buddy. However, it does bother me especially when we're sitting together at a table in a restaurant and you're playing with your new toy while ignoring everyone around you. Is there ever a time or a place when using your phone isn't appropriate? I don't go to church but do people use their phones there? Is it OK for your doctor to check his messages while he's operating? That can't be any more dangerous than you texting while driving.

Now that I’ve told everyone that their cell phones make them look fat there probably will be a stampede to buy phone cases with vertical stripes to make folks look thinner. Or is it horizontal stripes that do that? This is something that I should know since everything in my wardrobe was purchased to make me look less plus-size, even my umbrellas.

I’m far from being some sort of hippie Luddite (or is it Luddite hipppie?). I get it; cell phone technology has revolutionized countless aspects of our society. This doesn’t mean that we have to hold the things in our hot little hands every waking moment. The only thing humorous about this essay is the fact that 3-5 years from now when we all have phones surgically implanted in our faces like some comic book bogeyman we'll look back with fondness on the annoying habits we have today.