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Friday, April 06, 2012

The Bucket List From/To Hell

Is it half empty or just empty?

These are a few of the chores you need to cross off to assure yourself a seat in hell. They will undoubtedly make you a far more interesting person than if you follow the bucket list ideas most people have swallowed hook, line, and sinker. Think about it: your cat could raft down the Colorado River or skydive.  This is your life we are talking about, not a trip to some cheezy theme park. People always say that we should think outside the box. I’m saying that you should replace “box” with “normal boundaries of human decency.”

If you really want to impress people with your stories you need to spice them with at least one tall tale involving your tenure in some squalid Russian gulag or Mexican dungeon.  The key to survival in this hostile environment is taking out the toughest inmate as soon as they lock you up. This may be a little difficult with the Supreme Court’s new ruling in favor of allowing strip searches for almost any infraction as I was planning on smuggling in a Navy SEAL team to help me with personal security.

Lose a Major Body Part
Going through your whole life with both arms and legs just smacks of playing it too safe; try coloring outside the lines once in a while. Admiral Nelson, Moshe Dayan, and Miguel de Cervantes knew this and went out and took a few risks.  Missing a limb is a lot like a man wearing a hat: flaunt your missing appendage with panache and confidence and everyone else in the room will feel under-dressed for not being like you.

Contract a Frighteningly Disgusting Disease
Because cancer is so 20th century, be the first person at your health club to have a bout of the Black Death. That new spandex top will really show off your pustules.

Thrill Murder
This one could serve a practical function in your life and not just be about having fun, but why does it have to be one or the other? Do the world a favor with your multi-tasking skills and take out some enormous asshole like…I can’t think of any right off the top of my head but that’s just because it’s been a tough few years for the world’s enormous assholes. You may have to wait in line so bring something to read.

Be Excommunicated
I just think that being on the Pope’s shit list would be a great idea for my bucket list. The same goes for being fatwa’d by some hirsute ayatollah.

Drowning in Your Own Vomit
Because it's not just for rock drummers anymore and just about anything has to beat dying of old age.

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