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Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.


Thursday, January 19, 2012

Jerking Off on Facebook

Flesh-eating Pigeons?
This is the crap I write when nothing else occurs to me:

Last week I cut my knuckle slicing ham. Today I pulled off the scab when I was sitting on a bench in a downtown plaza and tried to feed it to a pigeon.  I wanted to prove my theory that these pests would gladly devour human flesh given the slightest opportunity. He didn’t eat it but probably just because he didn’t see it.

How to Freak Out Your Neighbors #708

I was waiting for the elevator with my bike which I keep in the apartment. The little old woman from the floor below me walked in so I gave her the elevator and said I’d wait. I told her that we could fit in together along with my bike but we should probably get married first; it'd be like sharing a sleeping bag. I don’t think that my humor translates well (and I realize that I am being very generous with the definition of the word “humor”). I hope they don’t sell pepper spray in Spain.
Urban Aphorism #19

If you are talking on your cell phone and exercising you aren't multi-tasking; you are doing two things half-assed at the same time. Big difference.

Note to Self: Stop Eating!

I won't go so far as to say that I'm fat but I put on a pair of jeans the other day that I should only wear when I am at my fittest. When I bent over to tie my shoes I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to come up for air between shoes like a pearl diver going down twice for a big score.

From 22JAN12:

Leo Messi is so good that he often makes his opponents look foolish.  In his final goal tonight against Málaga—to complete yet another hat trick—he ran down 70% of the pitch and shot past the goalie with what was all but an impossible angle.  The people in the bar where I was watching the game positively burst out laughing, as if Messi had hit the goalie in the face with a pie. You half-expect to hear that Harlem Globetrotter music every time he touches that ball.

P.S. Two humor-free draws for Valencia CF and Levante UD.

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