Important Notice

Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Never Go Limp

This was the subject line in an email I saw as I was deleting everything in the spam folder in my Gmail account. I was almost tempted to open it just because I think those are three words that every man should learn to live by. They make more sense than “Remember the Alamo” or “Live Free or Die.” “Carpe Diem” seems like poor advice if you just aren’t up for seizing a day because you have the flu or a bad hangover. I have three words for “E Pluribus Unum”: WTF. But “Never Go Limp” are words I can support with enthusiasm.

I don’t think that the authors of this adage mean it literally. Even the hucksters who create spam email realize that you can’t always be rock hard. I don’t mean to put words in their mouths or in their annoying emails but I think what they mean to say is that you should “never go limp” when you don’t want to be limp. Consider a situation in which limpness is a bad thing. Now consider the same situation where you are always in a state of non-limpness. I think that we can all agree the lack of limpness in said circumstances is a good thing and infinitely preferably to the dreaded flaccid state. OK, this is getting totally off the subject, and not at all what I was referring to in the last sentence, but if you had to name the limpest state in America what would it be?. Answer: Florida. Get it?

I also don’t think these guys are necessarily always speaking about the male erection; I’m sure they are referring to a more universal sense of standing up and sticking out, or being rigid and unbending, of being…or maybe they are only talking about boners but I must seek out the truth no matter where it takes me. I need to know what they had in mind but I have already deleted the email and can’t get it back.

I just think that it is important in this age of frivolity, of celebrity Twitter and reality TV shows, of gutter press and trashy novels, it is important in our times to seek out the true voices of wisdom and reason.

I know that most of these bogus emails all emanate from the same server hidden somewhere in the deep outreaches of Eastern Europe so all I have to do is wait for another spam to enter my account. Quickly my inbox begins to fill with spam and I choose one with the subject line of “Get Hung Like a Horse Today!” I find the exclamation point to be a bit hyperbolic but the email will serve my purpose of tracking down the sender of “Never Go Limp” and will allow me to answer my existential quandary over their precise meaning.

I tracked the IP address to a site in Kerch, Ukraine. I imagine that these brave souls are unable to write freely in their own country which is why they send out their spam to the rest of the world. No man is a prophet in his own land. They probably live with the constant fear of the secret police raiding their hideaway. They remind me of our own founding fathers but instead of freeing a land from tyranny they are peddling bootleg sexual dysfunction drugs and porn web sites. Struggle on, valiant warriors!

I was able to find an email to which I could send a poignant question or two to the authors of this heady bit of prose. Using an online translator to phrase my inquiry in their language I wrote the following:

Dear Ukrainian Gangsters,
What do you mean by "never go limp?" Is this more of a philosophical, non-literal approach or is it just about the penis?

Their Response: Want big hard cock? We got for you. 100€

OK, not exactly the sort of profound response I was hoping for but it serves as a starting point to extract the true wisdom of the Ukrainian mafia. I search desperately for any possible double entendre in their reticent reply. A person capable of penning such a fiendishly clever quip like “Never Go Limp” has probably cloaked the true meaning in layer upon layer of subterfuge and deceit. The profane and ungrammatical email from the Ukrainian gangsters was a cunning ploy to further bury the true meaning. I feel like Hiram Bingham as he first came upon the overgrown ruins of Machu Picchu. Come to think of it, that mountain at Machu Picchu looks like a big boner if you think about it.

I was convinced that there was a deeper, truer meaning to these words. After weeks of research employing the leading cryptologists from the National Security Agency, numerologists from the CIA, and a fat lady who reads tarot cards in a booth at the mall I came face to face with the reality that “Never Go Limp” means “never go limp” and nothing more. I must admit that I was a bit disappointed but I’m still having it made into my vanity license plate.