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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Porn World Shocked by Drug Scandal

Commissioner Jeremy vows a full investigation.

The porn industry was rocked by the news that one of its biggest stars has tested positive for a performance enhancing drug. Randi Huevos, last year's winner of the Golden Spike, porn's biggest award, was rushed to Hollywood's Dianetics hospital after he collapsed during the shooting of an orgy scene in his latest XXX epic, Girls Gone Really, Really, Seriously Wild. Huevos had reportedly been snorting a mixture of Viagra and Tinactin, known as “crank shafting” in drug parlance. The Viagra is for enhanced sexual performance and the athlete's foot anti-fungal remedy is to stave off gangrene in the body's other extremities that suffer acute blood loss during prolonged erections. This is the industry's biggest crisis since 1995 when it was revealed that porn legend Audrey Muff had faked several on-camera orgasms. Doctors report that Huevos must be kept under conditions absolutely free of a any sexual connotation and is therefore in a private room in the Hilary Clinton wing of the hospital where he is forced to watch Sister Act.

The commissioner of pornography, Ron Jeremy, has released a statement in which he assures the public that this is a very isolated incident and that people should not lose faith in their favorite adult movie stars. “Our actors aren't wallowing in sleaze, they aren't like athletes, politicians, or stockbrokers. They are, after all, Americas greatest heroes. Randi Huevos is a fine young man and I consider him a personal friend. A deep bond develops between actors who have 'crossed swords' on a film set. I actually poked Randi in the eye during the filming of Forest Hump and he didn't get mad or anything, even though he had to wear an eye patch for two months afterwards. Still, there is no excuse for what he did. He has brought shame on a very proud profession. People look up to porn stars, they are role models. The public deserves better. I would like to add a little in defense of Randi Huevos. He has been on a grueling work schedule for over a year. He made over 400 scenes last year alone. Plus he has a wife and a mistress on the side. Do the math, people. Any way you slice it, that's a lot of amore.”

Pornographic video rentals have dropped off precipitously since the scandal has unfolded. We interviewed a customer at a store of America's largest porn emporium, The Smut Hut. “It ain't that it has affected me real bad, but my three kids took it kinda hard. They really idolized Randi. Little Earl, my ten year old, has wanted to be a porn star ever since we took him to see Back Door Little Mermaid when he was seven. Now what do I tell him? What if he goes back to wanting to be a figure skater?”

Commissioner Jeremy has suspended Huevos for six months and a complete investigation is pending. “I plan to interrogate each of the eight actresses who were working on the set the day Huevos had his break down. I will interview each of them separately, or maybe two at a time. Hell with it, I'll do them all at once, and I won't need to cheat by using drugs,” Jeremy said from his world headquarters office where he was inexplicably not wearing pants. “This may call for me to do some undercover work where I will be disguised as a Mexican pool boy or a plumber. To the porn-mobile!” The still pants-less and very hirsute Jeremy was followed out of his stately office suite by three coke-head runaways who had been under his desk during the entire interview.

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