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Thursday, May 01, 2008

What Would John Gotti Do?

(After garroting them with piano wire and stuffing the body in a wood chipper)

All of us have our moments of indecision and self doubt, times when we feel lacking in the clarity of vision necessary to carry out important tasks. Asking for divine guidance always has seemed to be a complete waste of time and rarely offered the type of solutions you really thought the situation warranted. What would Jesus do? Turn the other cheek? Love thy neighbor? Dude, you are killing me with this passive-aggressive shit. What the hell kind of advice is that when you have a business to run? Jesus would be laughed out of every boardroom in the country. No, if you are like me you are looking for advice that is a little more practical for the modern world. Things are a lot tougher now than back when Jesus was a self-help guru. I feel that for the 21st century we need a new iconic figure to give us counsel in our times of need.

John Gotti lived a life every bit as humble as that of Jesus, at least when he was confined to a 7 X 8 cell at the United States Penitentiary at Marion, Illinois. Humility is a bit over-rated, in my opinion, and humility isn´t going to make your “little problem” with the Cali Cartel go away, not unless “Humility” is the name of a new, semi-automatic assault rifle. What Gotti has that Jesus lacks is authority—authority and pinky rings. Gotti is just the man to turn to for advice on everything from business tactics to gardening secrets (just don´t dig down too deep in that part of the garden unless you´re looking for some teeth).

Even if you aren´t holding the reigns of a violent criminal empire, you stand to benefit from our radio call-in show, What would John Gotti do? (after garroting them with piano wire and throwing the body in a wood chipper). His step-by-step formulas could be the answer to all of your problems. Here are a few questions taken directly from callers just like you:

One of my top lieutenants is going to rat me out to the FBI. How should I handle this?

What would John Gotti do? (after garroting them with piano wire and throwing the body in a wood chipper)
First of all, take a deep breath and count to ten. Remember, never act out of anger. Next, be sure to wash out the wood chipper with bleach so as to destroy any traces of your lieutenant´s DNA.

I think that one of my employees is stealing office supplies but I can´t prove it. It isn´t much, a stapler here, a printer cartridge there, but it´s starting to add up. What should I do?

What would John Gotti do? (after beating them to death with a tire iron and throwing the body in a shallow grave)
Make sure that you are in Florida when it goes down. Keep all of your receipts so you can prove it to the feds when they come sniffing around, fucking pricks.

My neighbor´s dog always takes a dump in my yard and he never cleans up after it. How can I get this to stop?

What would John Gotti do? (after throwing them down an open elevator shaft and dumping the body in a trash compactor)
Volunteer to help him look for his dog when it goes missing. He won´t suspect nothin´.

Stop whining and start acting like a goombah. Your troubles aren´t going to just disappear, but throwing things in a wood chipper almost makes them disappear.

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