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Thursday, March 27, 2008

Cool Hollywood Lines I Never Got To Use

Dudes in movies always get to say cool things that regular slobs like me can only dream about springing on people. Oh how I regret that day back in the high school guidance counselor’s office when I chose “regular slob” instead of “movie star.” How was I to know in 10th grade all of the things I was going to miss? All I knew back then was that signing up for “regular slob” on career day meant less time in the guidance counselor’s office and ours was a fat lady who smelled like sweat and aerosol cheese. If only I had endured her long enough to put myself on the film star route I could be saying cool stuff like they do on The Sopranos. Instead I just get to say stuff like, “I’ll take the #3 with a diet soda,” and “Are you sure this will just say ‘Executive Phone Service’ on my VISA bill?”

Then I started thinking that just because I was too busy beating up the kids who took drama in high school to go into movies, this didn’t have to mean that I would never get to use cool lines from films. I recently discovered that we have a little thing called “free speech” in America and I decided to use it. By the way, don’t yell “fire” in a crowded movie theater, they have a law against it that I learned about the hard way. You can say almost anything else though, even if it doesn’t make any sense in the context. It will still sound cool. Here are a few of my favorites.

“Would you care to make this more interesting?”

Picture James Bond in an immaculate tuxedo at the casino in Monte Carlo. He’s playing baccarat at a few grand each roll, or spin, or however the hell you play baccarat. The evil bazillionaire guy comes to the table and Bond lays this line on him as cool as a cucumber. I don’t have a tuxedo; I don’t know how to gamble; I sure as shit couldn’t be cool about the prospect of losing a bet any bigger that the tab at the drive up window; so this line isn’t for me, right? Wrong. I just use it whenever I feel like it and it almost never makes sense. Try it some time. The next time you are using a public urinal I dare you to say to the perfect stranger next to you, “Care to make this more interesting?” I guarantee that he will be more uncomfortable than the James Bond villain who is about to lose a fortune.

“You are dead to me now.”

This is one of those cool, cold-blooded lines they use in gangster movies that I never had a chance to use until I stopped caring whether or not it made sense. It implies that you are writing them off forever. I’m not enough of a bad-ass to say this to someone and besides, I may need them to help me move some day. So I just say it to stuff that is actually dead, like to every house plant I’ve ever had. If I order something in a restaurant and if whatever it is on my plate looks like they animal it once was, I will use this line. This generally applies to fish or small poultry, like quail. Do not use this line if you are on a first date because no matter how many times in the emails she said that she likes a guy with a sense of humor, she won’t fucking understand. In girl-speak “sense of humor” really means “nice ass” or “good job.”

"Would you like to come up and take a look at my etchings?"

This is always movie code for, “Let’s have sex, OK?” I can’t even do one of those hand-traced turkey drawings. I don’t even like art but this doesn’t keep me from using this cool line. I figure that whoever I bring up to my place will probably be more pissed off about the other stuff I lied about to get too upset over the fact that I’m not an artist.

"Let’s get you out of those wet things."

The less you know the person you say it to, the more humor potential it has.

"The hunter has become the hunted."

Say this in your best Jacques Cousteau accent as you club a baby seal-clubber or as you shoot the guy in the hat with ear muffs who shot Bambi’s mom.

"This is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you."

This is great to use when whatever it is you are going to do is going to hurt the other guy a lot and all you are going to get out of it is a bent five iron.

"We have ways of making you talk."

This is a cool line but I’d be more interested in ways to make someone shut the fuck up.

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