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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I Learned it on Google

I Learned it on Google

I don’t think I’ll get much of an argument from anyone if I say that the internet has put tremendous power into the hands of anyone with a computer. But is there such a thing as too much information? Do the people at Google monitor each and every search request that comes in? Do they try to contact the parents or do they look the other way when they get a search like this :

How long can my little brother stay at the bottom of the pool not moving like that?

I’m sure they get thousands of requests like this:

Does masturbation make you go blind?

And a few minutes later:

Are you sure masturbation doesn’t make you go blind?

Or this one of a more sinister nature:

Will bleach remove DNA from my wood chipper?


What if you masturbate while you type, can that make you go blind?

Just to get rid of this guy, let me answer that one. The answer is “no,” it won’t make you go blind. As far as my studies have shown you can ride a motorcycle while “doing it” with no adverse effects. Just remember to try to get outside for at least an hour or so a day—the body needs that vitamin D.

This request came from the office of the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California.

How can I remove a Barbie™ from my rectum? (We can only hope that it is SCUBA Barbie™)

Followed shortly by:

How long can I leave a Barbie™ in my rectum?

Or this request from Rush Limbaugh’s IP address:

“Glory hole site map” NYC area


Glory holes La Guardia Airport

Or perhaps they subscribe to the “Hear no evil, see no evil, and we are not liable when creeps use our search engine to aid and abed in their atrocities” school of thought? You just know that the people who work at Google have a file they pass around with the most outrageous search requests. If you work at Google, please forward me that file. I can clear my morning schedule with one phone call. Wait a second, I don't have a morning schedule and I don't have a phone so I could really use some good reading material.

I can’t see this going anywhere good or less offensive so I’ll end it here.

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