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Saturday, May 13, 2006

Terrorist Leader Touts Suicide Bombing as Miracle Cure

Abdul Rahmani, leader of an Islamic terrorist organization, has announced that he is no longer taking applications for suicide bombers. In recent weeks the organization has in fact turned down hundreds of requests for young people willing to blow themselves up along with the odd innocent bystander. “We were running a little low on volunteers until someone in our marketing division struck upon an ingenious new campaign,” said Rahmani in an interview from his estate in Cannes, France. “Ever since we started selling suicide bombing as a miracle cure our phones have been ringing off the hook.”

In a culture in which abortion is strictly forbidden, suicide bombing is the only answer to an unwanted pregnancy among teen women in Islamic countries. Young boys who impregnate their sisters are also using suicide bombing as an escape from their shame. “Yes, blowing yourself to kingdom come really does solve all of life’s little problems,” announced Rahmani as he lounged near his swimming pool next to a bikini-clad Scandinavian Air stewardess. “Homosexuality, impotence, incontinence, piles, venereal diseases, you name it and suicide bombing cures it. With health care costs rising so much in recent years, this is really a simple solution.”

When asked why the terrorist leader himself hasn’t yet volunteered for a suicide mission he said that it was in Allah’s hands. “As you can see, I am in perfect health. I would not hesitate to carry out an attack against the infidels, but right now I’m trying to lose a few pounds on the Atkins so I look better in my Speedo.” Rahmani also explained that by locating his headquarters on the stunning French Riviera he is posed to do the most damage against American and Zionist targets. “With the snap of a finger I can strike against the hated enemy. Tel Aviv is only a two hour flight, New York is nine, and I have enough first class frequent flyer miles accumulated so the flights won’t cost the organization a thing—that’s if God calls me. I am prepared, but tonight isn’t good for me because some Al Qaeda people are coming by with some hookers for an orgy. In this business it’s important to keep morale high.”

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