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Saturday, December 24, 2005

Proper Catch Phrase Usage

I hate to bring up a topic this vulgar, especially on such a genteel and innocent forum as the internet, but I must do so to illustrate my point. A few months ago, on a farm near Seattle, a man died while having marital relations with a horse, or the horse with him. I’m sorry that I don’t have all the details, but, as they say, you can look it up. I heard that he died of a broken heart. In a less publicized incident at that same farm, another man remains in stable condition after being gang banged by roosters in a poultry/man sex ring. It was a pretty popular topic of conversation for a few days. I don’t think there is anything newsworthy in such sordid tales, but when I overheard some people talking about the matter I was able to shoehorn in one of my favorite stock phrases. I interrupted their conversation by saying, “That’s not funny; my brother died that way.”

I stole that line from an Onion article and I like to use it as often as possible. If you're looking to get on my good side please look for appropriate moments to employ this line. Granted, you could probably live several lifetimes and not have the stellar opportunity I had during the great Seattle horse boning massacre, but you need to stay alert for your chance. There are several other stock phrases that I like to weave into conversation whenever possible. Let me help you out with a few examples of their proper usage.

“I’ll need to talk this over with one of my managers first.”
I don’t know why I think this is funny, but it is—especially when you use it as a response to a request made during sex. This line lets everyone know that you are paralyzed because the matter is out of your hands and the complete responsibility of your superiors. This catch phrase would work with any of the following questions:
“Sir, could you move your car. You’re parked on my cat.”
(On an elevator) “Can you push 2?”

Keep moving, folks. The show’s over.
The more theatrical your delivery of this line, the more trivial the incident, the funnier this line becomes. I am tempted to carry a whistle and a crossing guard reflector vest at all times so that when I belt out this line after a friend spills a little coffee at a café I look more like an authority figure when I direct traffic. A bullhorn would be even better.

Don’t you know there’s a war going on?
I used this line the other day at my club on a girl who forgot her gym membership card. Don’t worry, she didn’t get it either.

Would you care to make this more interesting?
This is something that James Bond might say to an evil nemesis instead of the more common, “Care to make a friendly wager?” This line is only funny if you say it at an extremely inappropriate moment, like to a stranger urinating next to you in a public toilet.

The hunter has become the hunted.
This one requires that you talk with a Jacques Cousteau accent. It’s probably funniest when it makes absolutely no sense in the context in which it is used. Nature shows are a gold mine when it comes to finding new catch phrases.

It’s a victimless crime.
This is how a friend describes employee theft. I think that the definition can be expanded to any crime that you can pull off without getting caught.

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