The Pope Is Almost Dead

Dude, die already!

If the Pope were any less alive he would certainly be dead. He’s as close as you can get to not being of this world. To illustrate how almost-dead he is, touch your index finger to the tip of your thumb. Now move them apart ever so slightly. He is that close to being a goner. That update is straight from his doctors.

Even though he is close to pushing up daisies he’s a lucky guy, because how many people rate a New York Times front page headline saying they are almost dead? Even if I die a spectacularly flamboyant death, the news of my demise probably won’t even make it in the paper at all, and this guy gets a top-of-the-fold headline for being “near death.” Some Popes have all the luck. I should have never dropped out of the Pope academy. I should have stuck with it. Now I’m just a Pope School drop-out nobody.

One thing that you have to admire about this Pope is the guy's work ethic. Here he is on his death bed, or death chair, or death throne, or wherever the fuck the Pope sits, and yet he’s still working. Granted, he doesn’t do much but he’s still doing it. He’s been blessing the living shit out of all of those people out in Saint Peter's Square, along with his other papal duties of drinking Christ’s blood and eating his flesh. Even though he's near death his handlers are working him like a rented mule. You never see the cardinals in Rome doing jack shit. The Pope needs a union or something.

That’s a pretty full ticket even for someone who isn’t almost dead. If I were almost dead I’d just be kicking back watching videos and eating nachos. Not this guy, he’s out on his balcony blessing pilgrims to within an inch of their unholy lives. You gotta hand it to the almost dead guy.

It’s a slow news day so I’ll give you an update: The Pope is still almost dead. Prepare yourselves people, it looks like he ain’t gonna make. He could go at any minute, or maybe in a few days, or he could hold on for fucking weeks. Who the heck knows? Not me, not his doctors, and not The New York Times. Thousands of people are flocking to the Vatican to get one more In Nomini Patri out of him before he kicks off.

I don’t see what the big rush is all about. You can just get blessed by the replacement Pope. I guess it’s kind of like watching Ted Williams play his last game. I feel bad for all the poor slobs who went to Rome a few weeks ago thinking that they could say they were there to get the Pope’s last blessing and here he is still out there waving away.

I better get this posted before the “almost dead” thing is old news. The end is near, or it could be next week, or the week after.

comments


Reminds me of Monty Python's Holy Grail..."I'm not dead yet". "But you will be by Tuesday."


Can't a pope get a break from you atheists even for a day? My guess is that Castro will get more coverage than this guy when Fidel's time rolls around. Shit, look at the 2 weeks of endless blather we had to listen to about Arafat.


-- Andy Apr 02 2005


If CNN were really clever they'd hack into the Vatican computer system and display the Pope's real time EKG so they can report the very microsecond he croaks. I imagine that's not as silly as it seems for the future.


-- mat Apr 03 2005



Nope, the Pope won't get a break from me. He dresses like a drag queen, presides over a world-wide network of child-raping weirdos and his corporation takes so much money from poor people, it makes Sam Walton blush with shame. Fuck the pope.


-- kevin m. Apr 05 2005