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Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Free to Choose the Biggest

The following is a paid advertisement

The Ostensobile, with 5,000 horse power, is the biggest, loudest, most gas-guzzling internally-combusted vehicle on the planet. The Ostensobile has emissions so toxic that it makes the Bhopal disaster seem as harmless as a baby’s fart. The Ostensobile can destroy an entire wildlife habitat while idling at a traffic light. It comes in one color: Red, white, and blue. You got a problem with that, you terrorist fuck?

Not only does this car have all-wheel drive but all the wheels pull in different directions to optimize fuel inefficiency. Besides that, it has no passenger seats, so you can take your car pool idea and stick it in your tailpipe where it belongs. If you want to car pool then take the bus with all of the other loser cruisers. The USA doesn’t wage an expensive, bloody war so that we can ride the bus. Public transportation is for communists.

Perhaps we should start measuring fuel economy by how many Middle East countries we have to invade to make sure your Ostensobile is topped off with gasoline. This goes along with the military nature of the Ostensobile, a vehicle so enormous that the Environmental Protection Agency calculates its emissions as collateral damage.

But the war isn’t about oil. The war is about freedom, our freedom to drive gargantuan off-road vehicles. Small cars are for poor people and Europeans. Old, outdated Europe with its trains that run at 300 kph and its dependence on efficient city subway systems that borders on slavery. We fight to be free, free to sit in bumper to bumper rush hour traffic. Take comfort in knowing that you will be causing maximum environmental damage while you idle in traffic. Think of the Ostensobile 5000 as an internally combusted landfill or a four wheel drive strip mine.

The Ostensobile will make you feel safe because in a collision you will come out on top, grinding lesser vehicles into your wheel wells. The makers of the Ostensobile guarantee that if don’t survive no one else will either. When the Ostensobile sees that your vital signs have flat-lined it emits a cloud of toxic nerve gas which will take all of the other victims of the accident into the void along with you, as well as a few onlookers and rescue workers. That is what I call piece of mind.

Sure the Ostensobile is a disaster, but it’s your disaster and you deserve it. What better way to show the world that you are successful than by showing your complete contempt for the environment, and the best way to do that is to drive this 3 ton leviathan. What good is it to be successful if you can’t say “Fuck you” to everyone else on the planet? Say it by driving the Ostensobile 5000.

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