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Thursday, December 16, 2004

Hot Sexy Coeds in Heat

I have a terrible truth that I have kept a deep, dark secret for long enough. The time has come for me to unburden myself of the crushing guilt I feel every day that I remain silent. I have been living a lie and it is destroying me little by little. For too long I have been content to live behind the anonymous fa├žade of the internet. It has been too easy for me to live out my fantasy life by telling the readers here at Leftbanker things about myself that are sometimes a slight exaggeration and sometimes are shameful lies. The time has come for me to come clean and tell everyone the truth.

For years now I have led my readers to believe that I am a strapping, athletic man, a sportsman and patron of the arts, an erudite and urbane cosmopolitan. When I say that nothing could be further from the truth I mean that both figuratively and geographically. The truth is that I am a 65 year old, 270 pound Mexican grandmother who writes these fantasies from the village of Barriga Grande in the state of Durango, Mexico.

I don’t mean this as an excuse for my mendacious ways but lots of people on the internet live out their delusions of grandeur. The web is full of tough-talking neo-con shit bags who wouldn’t look another dude in the eye when they pass them walking down the street. On the web these right-wing dorks write about the military might of America as if they actually had anything to do with it. Loudmouth know-nothings who haven’t done a single bit of service for their nation question the patriotism of others who oppose their bellicose view of U.S. world domination.

I never meant anyone any harm by the make-believe world I created for myself here at Leftbanker. All I ever wanted was for people to like me and to generate a little bit of a popular following. I failed miserably even on that account. My readership is in the toilet, but this assumes that I even have a toilet. The sad truth is that my village doesn’t even have a toilet—we share one with the neighboring village of Nalgas Cerradas.

How can I ever regain the confidence of my readers? The only way to regain the confidence of my readers is to first get some readers and then work on the confidence regaining part. I have decided that instead of being an urbane gentleman or a Mexican grandmother I will be a barely-legal blond love goddess. My measurements are 33-45-41. Wait, I think that was the combination to my locker in high school but I’m so dumb you could talk me into just about anything, and I do mean anything, if you know what I mean, Do you know what I mean? I’m not sure I know what I mean because I get confused easily when I’m only wearing a bikini and it’s too hot to wear even this little thing. Did I mention that my parents are gone for the weekend?

I see that the traffic on this page has increased to 10,000 hits a minute. I guess now is the time to regain your confidence by letting you know that I’m not a nubile 18 year old tart but a 65 year old Mexican woman who is missing three fingers and half an ear from a burro accident. I may have the shape and disposition of a pot bellied stove but I could teach you a thing or two about getting’ freaky so just stick around here at Leftbanker and you may learn a thing or two.

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