Hey You!

Hey you! Yes, you, asshole. Why are you honking your goddamn horn? I don’t care that you are late for your sales call or where ever you are headed. I’ll bet no one else on the road cares either so just sit in traffic stoically like the rest of us. I have a suggestion for you: If you are in a hurry then try leaving ten minutes earlier.

The other day I was on my bicycle and some jerk-off leaned on his horn. I stopped right in his path forcing him to come to a complete stop in the middle of the street. I asked him why he was honking his horn at me. He said I had cut him off. “How in the hell can 200 pounds of bike and boy cut off a car?” He answered me by rolling up his window, locking his door, and honking his horn again. I answered by smashing into the side of his car with the very sturdy bar ends of my bike. You can see the video on the new hit TV show When Bicycles Attack.

I can’t believe how driving turns normal people into aggressive assholes. The guy in the incident I just related was some middle-aged hippie. I’m sure he is the type that wouldn’t look me in the eye if I passed him walking down the street but get him behind the wheel of his Toyota Corolla and he suddenly turns into one of his heroes from Wrestlemania. My advice to Mister Aggro-Hippie: If you are going to blare your horn at a cyclist, in the future pick on little girls or the aged and infirmed. Don’t get shitty with an adult male who might be in the wrong mood one day, pull you from your shiny metal box, and beat the tar out of you.

I don’t expect everyone to have my own Zen-like calm in traffic. I gained my driving composure from living and driving in Greece whose motorists are certainly the worst in Europe. Greeks were in a hurry to get everywhere. They would literally drive on the sidewalk to get around you. When they got to where they were going Greeks weren’t in much of a hurry to do anything but don’t get in their way while they are driving.

If you were stopped at a traffic light in Greece and there was a driver behind you, no matter how quickly you pulled ahead when the light turned that person behind you would honk. I just started honking sort of peremptorily when I was the first car at the light just to amuse myself. I used to joke that all Greek drivers were delivering transplant organs which would explain their huge hurry. I swore that I would never again be in a hurry while behind the wheel of a car.

So just remember, Mister Type A Personality, Mister Salesperson of the Month, Miss Wall Street, just remember that none of us gives a big fuck that you are late so leave earlier or take the bus next time. Honk your horn at me at your peril.