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Sunday, September 21, 2003

The Sex and Diet Issue

Please excuse my absence the past few weeks but my computer was ravaged by the recent spat of record-industry-invented viruses. I honestly believe that the record companies are planting viruses on file sharing sites to discourage this practice that they haven’t been able to stop through legal channels.

Every three months, or whenever readership drops below two (including all members of my very extensive immediate family), Leftbanker publishes an exciting issue dedicated entirely to the matters of sex and dieting—America’s favorite subjects (not necessarily in that order). To many people residing outside of America these two subjects would seem completely unrelated but you can’t blame them because they don’t have magazine racks full of Cosmopolitan and Details.

On a recent National Public Radio interview, an author of a book examining the lives of adolescent children explained a dance technique called “freakin’ on a ho” in which a young girl shakes her backside while a pimply-faced, male X-box devotee pantomimes intercourse behind her. I don’t know about you but when I was in middle school if I would have even thought to myself about “freakin’” my father would have grounded me for so long that Nelson Mandela, sitting in his cell, would have shuddered with pity at my hopelessness.

The author went on to say that kids these days aren’t having appreciably more sex than when I was that age but it seems that they are certainly more preoccupied with it than we were. I think that is true of this country as a whole. We are being bombarded by sexual images in advertising and in entertainment but we aren’t really having all that much sex. I would venture a guess that we Americans have fewer orgasms per capita than just about any culture on earth. We are also being bombarded with messages about health and diet yet have one of the highest rates of obesity of any nation on earth.

We are obsessed with sex and obsessed with dieting yet we aren’t screwing and we are mostly a bunch of fat slobs. I blame this problem on ham. Ham is relatively cheap in this country compared to the rest of the civilized world. In fact, ham is outlawed in most Muslim nations. Shaved ham, sliced ham, honey baked ham, ham with pineapple, with these kinds of choices who has time to have sex with Pamela Anderson? Not me, that’s for sure. I’d rather be freakin’ on a ham any day.

If we are going to be too distracted by ham to have sex perhaps we can at least watch our waistlines—kill one bird with two stones, if you will. I suggest that we develop a synthetic ham that is low calorie. I know what you are all thinking to yourselves: Ham-flavored Viagra would kill two birds with one stone. Nice try but Viagra is manufactured under kosher conditions.

I'm afraid this is the best I can do. I am listening to the Mariners play a very important game against Oakland. Comedy takes a backseat when the playoffs are on the line.

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