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Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Comic Book Guy

I never read comic books as a kid. I used to read the occasional Archie or Ritchie Rich, the so-called humor comics through which the preadolescent jokester passes on his way to the more sophisticated Mad Magazine. I never got into the super heroes genre. I was never very impressed with the powers they held or the way in which they obtained said super powers.

As an adult I am even less impressed with super hero capabilities. Who cares about shit like flying or being really strong? That stuff won’t get you far in today’s world. Maybe I would read comics if the central characters had powers that I truly envy. Below is a list of super hero super powers for the new century.

--Impervious to all known venereal diseases and you're sterile.

--Able to drink lots of booze and get fucking wasted without ever getting a hangover.

--The ability to sense when a parking space is opening up (Super heroes never park in pay lots).

--Hypnotic powers that enable you to talk some flunky operator at VISA into deleting your entire balance EVERY MONTH!

--The ability to eat an entire bucket of Ezelle’s fried chicken at a single sitting WITH ROLLS AND MASHED POTATOS! (OK, I promise not to use exclamatory capital letters unless it is something really, really cool).

--Knowledge of every single baseball statistic no matter how “meaningless” it may appear to non fans. Examples: Number of times Pete Rose grounded into a double play with the bases loaded or number of times Jackie Robinson was left on base. I should have put this entire entry in exclamatory capital letters because that would be the most fucking rad thing ever. Can you imagine how much money you would win on bets? I mean, fuck X-ray vision, this would be huge. Most foul tips in a single at bat. Most bunts in a single game. OK, I have to stop thinking about this or it will drive me crazy. Note to self: dedicate an entire post to super-weird baseball stats. What’s really weird is that there is going to be someone, somewhere who actually keeps track of that sort of shit.

--Vast knowledge of computers but not a geek in any way. Yeah, right. Like that’s at all possible.

--The ability to find a clean public restroom in Mexico. This would be more important for female super heroes but would also come in handy for boys if you have to take a dump. I have been in bathrooms so incredibly squalid in Mexico that I actually interrupt the stream of my urine to ward off any salmon-like organisms that may try to swim upstream, so to speak. Better yet, how about this for a super power: Never having to go to the bathroom. You would lose all of your body's waste through expiration but your breath wouldn't smell bad. And while we're at it you never get B.O. Show me that comic book hero and I'll start reading.

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