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Thursday, May 07, 2015

Leo Messi

The difference between Leo Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo is in this goal. Both are superb players and Ronaldo is the best finisher in the game. The difference is that only Messi is capable of making a bar full of football fans laugh out loud with his often absurdly inventive play. This is yet another of those many "Get the fuck out of here" moments.

Sunday, May 03, 2015

Bike Ride to Chulilla

90 kilometers is sort of the outer limit for a casual day trip on a mountain bike. This trip to Chulilla is one more reason why I need to get either a cyclo-cross bike or a racing bike.  Not that I’m complaining about doing 90K from Lliria to Chulilla because the pay-off was worth it: Chulilla is one of the most beautiful villages in Europe.  It was also very easy getting there as there is a bike path for a big portion of the route. It was also a perfect day but probably too hot for a lot of people.

It’s a bit hilly although I wouldn’t say there are hills. Let’s just say that there is a substantial elevation gain during the ride. The problem is that you go up and down and I prefer the mountain ascents where you put in all the work up front and then literally coast the entire return trip. In total there is more climbing to Chulilla than back and none of it is very steep. Just know that if you are going to do this route you should be prepared to hump up for quite a ways. I actually love climbing hills so I didn’t mind a bit.

I wish that I took pictures half as well as I ride a bike as most of my pictures were horrible and none of them do a bit of justice to this gorgeous jewel in the Valencia countryside.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

How About We Call it a Sui-Stick?

I want to start marketing a selfie stick for potential homicidal maniacs like school shooters or anyone out to harm another human being. With this device you put the gun (or in the recent case here in Spain, a crossbow…Yikes!) on the end of the stick, point it towards yourself, and perform a “final selfie.”

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Are Blogs Better than Graffiti?

First they came for the putos, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a puto…although I am very fond of musicals.

-Martin Niemöller

P.S. I am eternally grateful for this blog because even though it’s very far from dignified it beats being a graffitist and I don’t have to buy paint.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Your Cell Phone Makes You Look Fat


You heard me; your cell phone makes you look fat. That’s the only thing that I could think of that might convince people to lay off their phones just a little bit. Telling people that cell phones may cause cancer didn’t do anything to damper our enthusiasm for this gadget. No one seems to care that it's a dangerous distraction. Money seems to be no object when it comes to this technology as most customers seem thrilled to pay almost anything for the latest model in addition to a frighteningly high monthly service fee so any economic disincentive is unlikely to get people to hang up and join the human race. I doubt that a childish insult will do much to hold back this zeitgeist tsunami.

It shouldn’t bother me or anyone else that you spend your entire life punching itty-bitty keys and staring at a Lilliputian screen on this thoroughly obnoxious device that has done more to change modern society than anything since the automobile. The tiny miracle of the cell phone has also become almost everyone’s best buddy. However, it does bother me especially when we're sitting together at a table in a restaurant and you're playing with your new toy while ignoring everyone around you. Is there ever a time or a place when using your phone isn't appropriate? I don't go to church but do people use their phones there? Is it OK for your doctor to check his messages while he's operating? That can't be any more dangerous than you texting while driving.

Now that I’ve told everyone that their cell phones make them look fat there probably will be a stampede to buy phone cases with vertical stripes to make folks look thinner. Or is it horizontal stripes that do that? This is something that I should know since everything in my wardrobe was purchased to make me look less plus-size, even my umbrellas.

I’m far from being some sort of hippie Luddite (or is it Luddite hipppie?). I get it; cell phone technology has revolutionized countless aspects of our society. This doesn’t mean that we have to hold the things in our hot little hands every waking moment. The only thing humorous about this essay is the fact that 3-5 years from now when we all have phones surgically implanted in our faces like some comic book bogeyman we'll look back with fondness on the annoying habits we have today.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Sex or Violence?

I saw a movie poster at a kiosk today, some total piece of crap with Liam Neeson—if that isn’t being too redundant. In the poster he has his arms at his sides with a pistol in his hand. This made me think that perhaps we should be as prudish about guns and violence as we are about sex.

Let’s look at the movie poster again and imagine the furor that would erupt if instead of a pistol he had his cock in his hand. The entire nation just about lost its mind when we saw Janet Jackson’s tit on TV for a nanosecond yet someone getting decapitated with a chainsaw in a movie doesn’t provoke the slightest whisper of disapproval…and we wonder why we live in such a violent society. Imagine if we had the same taboos concerning graphic depictions of violence as we do for the very natural act of sex between a man and a woman (or other logical combinations). I wonder how the film industry would react if only people 17 years or older were able to see movies in which a violent death is shown on screen.

I’m no prude nor am I a hypocrite; most of my favorite films and TV series are rather violent in nature, but then again I’m an adult. I just think that blood and gore and violence does a lot more damage to the psyche of young people than graphic depictions of sex. Which is more vulgar: someone cutting off someone else’s head with a machete or two consenting adults performing a Dallas Fuck Rodeo? I don't know what a Dallas Fuck Rodeo is so you‘ll have to use your imagination an invent your own sex act.

I’m writing this in a café and on the TV they just showed a trailer for the movie Red (rate PG-13) in which every character in the movie had a gun or a bomb. Just after this commercial there was another for some hair removal product that showed a beautiful woman in a thong bikini. The trailer for the horribly violent Bruce Willis piece of trash could be shown on American TV but not the one with the woman with the absolutely spectacular ass. There is something wrong with that. There is something wrong with us.

What harm could possibly come from having fewer slasher movies? Why do we think that it’s OK for young people to watch a movie in which someone is stuffed head first into a wood chipper but not OK for the same kids to watch a nice, wholesome oral sex competition or an orgy in a Russian college dormitory?

If we treated violence like we do sex in movies producers would think twice about making so many gratuitously violent films. We’ve even changed movie ratings so there isn’t as much of a stigma attached to an adult film as there used to be. Now instead of an X rating—something that connotes hardcore sex—we give horrifically violent movies a more gentle-sounding NC-17 rating. We've made it really easy for producers to pump out incredibly violent movies whose target audience is young adults. Just what a violent movie would have to show to earn an NC-17 rating is a little fuzzy but even a hand job will do it in the sex department.