There is nothing too cruel for the biggest shit-heel in human history but I think that I have come up with some devastatingly evil ideas for revenge. Even the Spanish inquisitors would gasp at some of these atrocities.
If I were childhood friends with Hitler and if I had a mini-bike I would never let him ride it.
If Hitler went on vacation and asked me to water his plants I’d tell him I would and then I totally wouldn’t and all his plants would die, the fucking asshole.
If I stayed at Hitler’s house for the weekend I would annoy him by not refilling the ice trays.
If Hitler were the host on Jeopardy and I were a contestant I would never answer in the form of a question. If we were both contestants I would say “Jesus, what an idiot” every time he answered wrong and “Everyone knows that” every time he got one right.
If I were hanging out in Hitler’s garage while he was trying to repair his lawnmower I would wait until he went into the house to answer the phone and then I would hide three or four key parts.
If I sat behind Hitler at the cinema I would talk on my phone the whole time explaining the movie a little in advance to the person on the other end because I had already seen the movie.
If I were Hitler’s next door neighbor I would secretly take his morning New York Times and do the crossword puzzle and the Sudoku and then put it back on his porch.
I would always pick Hitler last for my dodge-ball team even if he were pretty good.
If Hitler’s kid were proudly showing everyone the trophy he won at school I would laugh at him and say that everyone gets a damn trophy.
If Hitler were on my bowling team I would tell the uniform company to spell his name wrong on his shirt.
I would never tell Hitler that he looked good even if he lost a lot of weight or his acne cleared up, just to keep his self-esteem really low.
If Hitler were in my book club I would find out every place everyone had gone on vacation and then while we were sitting around drinking white zinfandel I would only talk about the cool places we had all visited except Hitler and I’d keep saying, “Oh my god, I can’t believe you haven’t been there” which would make that Nazi prick feel really left out.